Warning: Imma get all hippie-dippy up in here so if you don’t feel like navel gazing, you can always check out Humans of New York. Make you smile all day.
I love self-help books. I love projects on myself. I love therapy. Which means I’m either the world’s biggest narcissist or have the world’s lowest self-esteem. But either way I’m always trying to get better, to be better. (Perhaps I should address that compulsive drive in another post?) Anyhow, when my church offered a free women’s conference this past weekend with classes on everything from parenting to cooking to mental illness, I was in like sin! (Well not sin exactly, it being a church and all. Ah who am I kidding? Sins too.)
Parenting was the first class I went to because a) I’m convinced I’m a terrible parent and b) the teacher was a licensed therapist who specializes in treating adolescent sex offenders in prison. (ADMIT IT: You’re interested too. Who picks creepy teens as their dissertation topic? Although I’m glad someone does.)
I was all set to jot down some tips about more effective time-outs*, potty training without bribery or teaching your kids to be ambidextrous in Chinese or something. (*MY tip: It’s more effective if you put yourself in time out. Preferably the closet. With a stash of chocolate. To heck with the kid – eventually they stop the tantrum when they no longer have an audience. Or they climb on top of your fridge and eat two packs of gum forcing you to call poison control because you think it’s a myth that swallowing gum is bad for you but you’re not totally sure and you really don’t want his intestines gummed up on your watch. AHEM.)
But the teacher surprised me: He started out by talking about us, the parents, and how we are doing. It turns out that to be a good mom, I need to be a healthy human being first. He used a pretty nifty diagram and so I thought I’d recreate it for you here with my handy dandy notebook (that doubles as my gratitude journal and Jelly Bean’s art pad), with a little bit of the Charlotte zing in it for good measure. Plus, everyone knows that the only thing the internet loves more than cat gifs are weirdly illustrated diagrams. You’re welcome.
1. This is where we all start:
We’re kind of a blank slate, waiting for experience to fill us up.
2. Eventually we get old enough to know that with all the rad fun we’re having, the future can be uncertain and the past can haunt you.
That thing in the middle is a rainbow, in case you were wondering. I was an illustration major in college for two whole semesters – clearly that was not wasted tuition.
3. If our brains get glitchy – as brains so often do, let’s be honest – sometimes we spend waaaay more time worrying about the future or feeling bad about stuff that happened in the past than we do about what’s going on right in front of us. If it gets bad enough, it impinges on our reality, crushing us until we feel like we have to escape from this narrow, dark, scary place we’ve created for ourselves.
Looking at this diagram in class I thought that it is the perfect representation of how a panic attack feels for me. My mind ping-pongs back and forth between worrying about stuff that might happen and feeling crappy about stuff that’s in the past until I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I literally feel like I’m suffocating. Cannot breathe. Heart feels so tight.
4. It’s easy to do. Often it takes the form of pseudo- love or self-care:
These are just my neuroses, feel free to substitute your own brain barf.
5. Eventually – understandably – we feel like we need to get out of our “now” because now is seriously sucking. The teacher told us that when people want to escape “now”, they look for things that make time speed up or disappear. He pointed out that when our kids are playing video games and we tell them “five more minutes”, it literally feels like only five minutes have passed to them even though in reality they’ve been playing for hours. Turns out adults do the same thing but with a much wider variety of time-stoppers:
Stop looking at how my door isn’t hung plumb!! I told you, my spatial awareness gene is MIA.
6. But this is how our lives should really look like. The past and the future are very real things and important to our well being so we don’t want to go all Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or anything. But we can’t control either one. And since we can’t control them, we have to give up trying to fix all the “What if…?”s and “I should have…”s. We can still think about them but the bulk of our attention should be on what’s happening now:
I believe all the real gurus call this “Mindfulness”. I hear it’s good stuff. I want some. I tried to draw a picture of it but my “brain” came out looking like zombie baby food so I thought I’d spare you.
7. Easier said than done though, right? The teacher said the key to refocusing our attention on the now is to find a place to dump the other stuff. Since this was church and I like church (I’m a Mormon!), I went with Jesus. He’s so wonderfully compassionate in my mind that I know he’d totally be down with taking care of my past and future stuff. Plus the whole omniscience thing is super handy. But there are many ways to let go of things we can’t control. If Jesus isn’t your jam, you can always give it to a higher power or throw it out into the universe. The teacher suggested writing down some of our most repetitive worries and regrets and then burning them in a fire to symbolically get rid of them. Another idea was to light a candle, say what you want to let go, and then blow it out. Tying them to a balloon and releasing it was also brought up but I’ve heard that releasing balloons is actually really bad for wildlife (probably the same place I heard that gum staying in your intestines for 7 years is a myth) so maybe tie it straight on a butterfly or a pigeon – that sounds way safer. Seriously though, be creative! Turn it into paper mache and make a leaping dolphin or something.
This is my least favorite drawing. I think it looks like one of those erectile dysfunction ads if you’re not reading clearly.
8. This was my epiphany: Instead of telling ourselves we’re “bad” for needing all our escapes and trying to focus on getting rid of all our bad habits, recognize that the escapes are there for a reason! They are filling a need so instead of getting mad that we “have no willpower” or keep “giving in”, we should look for the reasons we want so much to escape. Some things are in our power to change, to ditch what’s dragging us down. But other things just are what they are. In that case the teacher suggested we try to reframe the bad and look for the good or at least the lesson. When we train ourselves to focus on what’s happening right now – and enjoying it – then we won’t need the escape anymore. (Obviously if you’re addicted to something, it won’t resolve itself but removing the reason for doing it would still be a good place to start.)
Whoa. 8th grade called, it wants its handwriting back.
I’ve been thinking on this point all weekend. My original plan was to learn how to be a better parent and if you’ve ever met a kid you’ll know that they live entirely in the present. In fact they’re so bad at predicting future consequences and remembering past mistakes that I’ve had to buy seven (7!!!) pairs of shoes for my first grader this year because… because. But their faun-like nature also makes them endearing. They know how to have a party with nothing but some rocks and dry weeds. They can walk around the same block 10 times and see something new every time.
But I don’t enjoy that. I’m sorry, I feel like I’m blaspheming all that’s holy about being a mom but I’ve talked before about how the infant-toddler stage is so so hard for me because I find it so stultifying. The older my kids get, the more I like them. (Which is directly proportional to the amount of hilarious things they say.) So I’m really struggling to find that balance between learning to enjoy the “now” I’m in and trying to make my “now” into something I enjoy. I suppose there’s “balance” in there. I haven’t got it all figured out yet. What I do know is I’ve sure been doing a LOT of escaping (binge-watching House – where has that show been all my life?!) and so something’s got to change.
There, that’s better! I definitely enjoyed that “now”. Somewhere my illustration teacher is dying inside and doesn’t know why.
So help me out – how do you guys stay focused on now? Do you have a good suggestion for ditching worry/regret? How do you enjoy now vs changing your now to something you enjoy? Anyone else a self-help junkie??
THANK YOU FOR THIS!! Perfect timing and I’m incredibly grateful. Blessings to you!!
Thank you Lynn! This means a lot to me!
I know how you feel! I am so miserable right now. My mom’s health is declining like crazy and she is horrified at how fast she is falling apart. I’m her primary care giver and yet work full time as an ICU nurse and since I’m a loser and never got married (sorry but that is how my religion can make me feel) I get to be the one out of six daughters who does it all.
I go back and forth between feeling so much love for my mom and not wanting to be a bother to anyone to so much sorrow, loneliness and depression. My job is suffering, my weight is climbing and I just want to disappear and give up.
Last night I told my mom in tears that “I just want to die”. And then moments later we both opened a “Pendleton” clothes catalog and I looked at a gorgeous model and I had this great desire to become as thin as her. I would guess she was probably about 5′ 11″ and 120 pounds. So not horrid and attainable. And my mom looked at the gorgeous clothes and we both sighed relief in our anguish and sorrow. My mom then said to me….”I’m not ready to die. Let’s buy you and me a nice outfit tomorrow”.
I don’t know what I would do without escapism. I might bubble up and croak.
*hugs* Laura P.
…And this: “since I’m a loser and never got married (sorry but that is how my religion can make me feel) I get to be the one out of six daughters who does it all.”
You are NOT a loser.
Myself, as a Mormon…with a for “time and all eternity marriage” that lasted short of nine years (she ditched me and abducted my children just a few days before our ninth anniversary)…those at church often try to make me feel like a loser too.
But….
I am now in a position to look after my parents.
Just like you are now in a position to look after your Mom.
You are a quality person, not a loser. I hope some day some great guy sees that and then also helps you as you love and care for your mother.
Oh Laura, I am so so sorry about your mom. I can’t imagine how painful it is to watch your mom deteriorate in front of your eyes while still maintaining a demanding job. I hope you guys went out and bought that outfit! Your mom is SO blessed to have you and you are in no way a loser! ((huge hugs)) honey. Since you are an ICU nurse I’m sure you already know all about the caregivers needing to be taken care of too – and I’m glad you have the escapism right now! – but I hope you can find some support for yourself. You shouldn’t have to handle this alone. I don’t want you to die; the world would be a darker place without you in it:)
I can’t believe what perfect timing this post was. I’ve just recently discovered that a serious illness left me with PTSD (I had an inkling, because of the flashbacks and panic attacks, but given that I hadn’t been shot at or attacked, it felt a little too drastic to be true) I’ve got an excellent therapist who specializes in treatment of PTSD now, but a resurgence of some health issues in the last month has left me, well, anxious, trapped, and looking for escapes. Just last week, when my therapist had to give up (for that day) on the PTSD-specific therapy she was trying because I was too upset to handle it, I told her I wished I had a remote where I could fast-forward through my life without actually having to go through it myself. And then told her about how trapped I was feeling, and how I knew I was using things to zone-out (TV is one of mine too…) but actually being present in my life was too painful and scary.
As far as suggestions go…I have a couple, but no magic fixes.
1) I think EVERYONE needs an escape now and then. The trick is to keep it contained to one day or one weekend. Who hasn’t had a bad day at work and gone home to binge-watch netflix?
2) Right now, I’m not in a place where I can really find joy in focusing on the now. So instead, I’m focusing on not letting the escape ruin my life. I’m separating things out into small individual tasks, and focusing on getting the “must do” ones done, one at a time. So yes, I did file my taxes at literally the last minute, but on the other hand, I filed my taxes. Escaping gives me unhealthy habits and makes it hard for me to exercise, because exercise= being present. But it sometimes feels overwhelming to think “I have to eat x many vegetables, workout this much, lose this much weight”, so instead I break it down into “what healthy groceries can I buy that I will want to eat” and leave actually cooking the next day (or the day after). And then I focus on not telling myself I am a failure when I fail to handle what I consider to be basic adult life skills.
Sorry for the huge comment! This just struck a huge chord with me.
So much I relate to in this comment, Nicole! First, I’m so glad you brought up your PTSD and its source – I think so many people (women especially) miss PTSD symptoms because it doesn’t fit the TV definition. I’m so proud of you for getting treatment for it – as someone who has struggled with PTSD I have an idea of how awfully difficult the process of dealing with it is. (Huge hugs!)
I also love this: ” I told her I wished I had a remote where I could fast-forward through my life without actually having to go through it myself.” AMEN.
Love your tips. Especially this: “Right now, I’m not in a place where I can really find joy in focusing on the now. So instead, I’m focusing on not letting the escape ruin my life. ” I really needed to read that. Thank you:)
This is my constant struggle. For me it is one of the manifestations of my chronic anxiety (I’m just now admitting that this is my base emotion… Sometimes depression tossed in, but I think the root is anxiety. -sigh-) and ADD. I have the hardest time NOT looking forward and trying to strategize how to handle all of the possibilities. Part of that is due to having a son with ADHD + NVLD + stereotypy + … and always feeling the need to be ready to jump in and defuse situations before they escalate. Part of it is my parents who instilled in me that things can ALWAYS be done better. That the 98 I got was great, but wouldn’t a 100 be even better? And then throw in this constant drive to learn from and not repeat my mistakes and it’s a perfect storm inside me. It’s so hard for me to let go and just be. Every now and then I’m there; but it’s fleeting. And the more I try to force it, the more the chatter in my head gets louder. This is why I need to get back to my yoga practice. It was truly the one hour in my day when I was still in my mind and truly let things flow.
I totally agree with you about the yoga! I used to think I just loved it for the challenge but I’ve realized over the years it’s really because it’s sort of a forced meditation. And I really really need meditation;)
I think there is definitely a strong connection between this thought cycle and food issues, fitness and general self-improvement so I’m sure this post resonates really strongly with a lot of your readers, but man, lady, sometimes i think our brains were congenital twins. Thanks for all you write.
Hahah thanks Sarah! I think so too sometimes! And yeah, there is definitely a connection between all those things.
Last night my “escape” (which I define as ADDING EXTRA JOY TO MY LIFE) was watching THE HAPPIEST MILLIONAIRE starring Frederick MacMurray, Geraldine Page, Tommy Steele, John Davidson and Lesley Ann Warren. It’s a Disney movie musical and the last live action project that Walt Disney himself shepherded through production.
Entertaining and educational. (somewhat historically based) And even though it was the extended version…not a HUGE time-sucker.
This of yours Charlotte: “So I’m really struggling to find that balance between learning to enjoy the “now” I’m in and trying to make my “now” into something I enjoy. I suppose there’s “balance” in there. I haven’t got it all figured out yet. “
Hey Charlotte, have you ever had the experience of clicking into a movie in the exact SAME SPOT in the movie…two, or maybe even three times or more?
One of those movies for me is CLASH OF THE TITANS, and the part I have come upon frequently is where Lawrence Olivier (as Zeus) utters the line: “RELEASE THE KRAKEN!”
From my understanding (I still have not seen the movie in its entirety) the command to RELEASE THE KRAKEN comes rarely.
If you substitute the word KRAKEN with the word JOY…what thoughts spring to mind Zeus? I mean…Charlotte?
When our lives are (or have been) in upheaval, difficulties, stress…people lean towards exerting nigh omnipotent (all powerful) control over feelings.
EXCEPT, it seems…when it comes to things like despair and discouragement.
But in THIS example…the JOY that is so very rarely released, can actually wreak havoc on the despair and discouragement.
Whatever the reason , there appear to be RULES that people, including you Charlotte, have set up for releasing the joy. Allowing yourself to feel it.
Let me think…
…Dancing!
THAT is a circumstance where Charlotte allows Charlotte to release the joy and feel the joy.
You said of your kids: “They know how to have a party with nothing but some rocks and dry weeds. They can walk around the same block 10 times and see something new every time.”
THAT is because they HAVE NOT SET UP RULES FOR FEELING JOY!
JOY for them is NOT a “RELEASE THE KRAKEN” kind of moment.
THEY don’t limit themselves.
At some point they may clue into you limiting yourself…and either accept or reject the example you provide. (Possibly something the teacher in your class was referring to when he asked how you as parents were…)
My grandparents (Dad’s parents) were born a few years before the TITANIC disaster. They were aware. As they were during the First World War…and the Depression, and my Grandfather contracted polio as an adult (thankfully the only remaining evidence was a slight limp) and then the Second World War, and Korea and Vietnam.
What I was taught by precept and example was: “I hope you won’t believe all the world’s difficulties have been wedged into your decade, or that things have never been worse than they are for you personally, or that they will never get better. I reassure you that things have been worse and they will always get better.” (*Also something Howard W. Hunter said – fellow Mormon for reference)
Our family motto is: “Never say ‘whoa’ in a bad spot!”
This comes from the fact that travelling by horse and wagon through muddy and mucky roads (and I use the term “roads” loosely) a bad spot in the road could mire you down permanently and sink your wagon and all of the goods inside.
Thus you DO NOT say “whoa” to your horse in a bad spot.
You keep going THROUGH a bad spot…and never linger.
I have mentioned in comments my experience of being attacked by a pack of five wolves all night long and surviving.
It was traumatizing.
I didn’t say “whoa”.
I acknowledged the darkness. But I don’t live there.
I did not stay there…traumatized…mentally and emotionally. What I feel in recounting the incident now…is relief.
And joy for having survived and being alive.
My Dad who will soon be 82, and my Mom who admits to being past her 29th birthday, still see something new in an old walk…and can still find joy because they are free with it.
Open to looking for it…experiencing it…embracing it….and sharing it.
Not a lot of focus on “rules” involved in the process.
Sometimes people tell themselves: “I can’t be grateful and joyful now!”
Or can you?
Or more precisely…will you?
Loosen the rules. We all need to try not to be miserly with joy.
.
Humorous Addendum:
Was just flipping through channels…
I found CLASH OF THE TITANS…
JUST BEFORE the order by Zeus to RELEASE THE KRAKEN.
Seems to first occur near the beginning. But I still do not have time to watch the whole thing.
I laughed.
ahhh it seems theres just never a happy medium huh?
I can be too overly focused on the NOW some days.
401k?
retirementstuff?
HELLO WAYSIDE TO WHICH THEYVE FALLEN.
Im too now.
husband is too anxietyLATERfocused.
It sounds like your “too” and his “too” balance each other out;)
This has been on my mind lately. I spend so much time in regret (WHY CAN”T I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT AND KEEP MY FRIENDS??? AND WHY DON”T YOU SPEND MORE TIME CLEANING AND WHY DON”T YOU SPEND MORE TIME WITH PEOPLE?!?) and can see the spiral. While reading this post, I was trying to figure out why it is so easy to hole up and realized that the feeling I get when thinking of helping my mom (See? What kind of person has a hard time with that?!?) or going anywhere except for work and the grocery store. It dawns on me that the feeling I have is anxiety. Am feeling motivated to work on this..
*anxiety and lack of energy..
What kind of a person has a hard time dealing with their mom sometimes? A NORMAL ONE:) And boy do I relate to your anxiety issues!
Well, yeah, Jesus isn’t my Jam (you SO crack me up), and I’ve been working on all this mindfulness crap a lot lately, so won’t bore you with the many tedious observations about when, how and why I’m taking more control over my experience of the present.
But the most powerful stimuli for me to find bliss in the present seem to be music, nature, exercise (jiggy version) or subtle body awareness (mellow version), and copious amounts of caffeine.
And funny timing, I was just writing about hippy-dippy stuff today too. So had to update my post to link over here as I seem to be going through a “mental” phase myself and wanted to reassure readers we fitness bloggers are totally allowed to blog about that kinda stuff too. 🙂
Ah but I want to hear your observations!! I’m so bad at mindfulness. I love your list though – jiggly version, especially hahah! And nature. Hiking always, always calms me. Thank you so much for adding my link – that means a lot to me!
Oh darn! I really enjoy measuring out every possible thing that could go wrong if I choose A over B or maybe C. I’m serious! I do this for a living. Anxiety is a big problem for me because it is hard to turn it off. Well I have never been anxious while dancing or reading a detective novel. I guess those are escapes. OK What is living in the moment but isn’t an escape? EEk don’t make me chat with my neighbor again about the best place to buy tea towels. That was definitely in the NOW the very long NOW. I got a sunburn. That’s how long it was.
Well now I’m dying to know what it is you do for a living! And you’re so right – anxiety is extremely difficult to turn off. And this made me laugh so hard: “EEk don’t make me chat with my neighbor again about the best place to buy tea towels. That was definitely in the NOW the very long NOW. I got a sunburn. That’s how long it was.” I have been there…
I think we all struggle with this to some degree, but I’ve had quite a bit of success lately con uering my own version of these and there are two main things that I think have helped.
1) Yoga. Among its other great qualities, yoga is a continual practice of letting go of things that are not happening now. And I find my instructors so useful in their constant coaching to let go of what others are doing or what you could do yesterday and honor where you are right now. I have been practicing regularly for about 3 years and I’ve found it is something of a skill and that I’ve gotten better at it as I’ve practiced. Practicing meditation is probably similar.
2) Recognizing in those moments that the past and the future do not actually exist. The only reality we have is now. Our only capacity for action is now. This helps me let go of regrets (they are gone) and recognize that the future is in my imagination. But, also, if there is something I am worried about, it prompts me to ask “What can I do about this place hint right now?” Usually if there is something I can do it eases the worry. Also it is effective at getting things off my mind – I may not be able to call the doctor right now if it’s Sunday evening, but if I make a note on my calendar to call them on Monday it will help me stop fretting about it to a degree.
I LOVE your tips Monica! I think the forced mindfulness is one of the reasons I love yoga so deeply. There really is something to it beyond just going through the poses. Love your tip about recognizing the only time in which we can act is now.
Of course, I am a self-help junkie! And I love it! So much that I just gave myself a birthday gift to train to become a mindfulness instructor myself! I might as well start teaching self-help myself.
For being present in the now? Practice, practice, practice! It will come.
Oooh I totally think you should do that Emma! And then teach me:)
Charlotte, this post is lovely…as are all things you write. I don’t comment much (maybe twice in five or so years? yeesh) but I’m compelled to de-cloak today. Please forgive me that the compulsion comes from needing to scold you: While you’re living in the now, don’t forget your other advice to be gentle with yourself.
Woman, I want you to go back and re-caption your illustrations. Read what you wrote as if it were Jelly Bean who had written it and see how much you’re putting yourself down. I count three captions without some subtle (or not-so-subtle) cut at your illustrating ability. Stop that! You’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re a lovely illustrator (not perfect? welcome to the freaking club!), you’re a great mother, you’re a caring person, you’re a giver, you’re heartfelt, you’re honest…you’re so many wonderful things.
You’re good enough. Good enough for all the many readers who come here every day to learn something from you, or get a lift, or feel understood…be good enough for yourself.
Try being as kind to yourself as you’d be to one of your kids. (Or, knowing you, to a total stranger.)
Thank you for your gentle – and very true – reminder. I appreciate you taking the time to tell me and your kind words have had me smiling for days now:) I needed this comment.
This post is super timely for me! I’m coming back from a very relaxing vacation, back to stress. I have a super hard time not obsessing about the future. I can’t relax until everything is done because it all plays on my mind and that’s not always realistic. I actually find making hard copy to do lists helps stop the constant barrage of I need to do this, this, and this that runs in my brain.
((hugs)) Abby! We’re all in this together. And I LOVE making lists. Like love love it:)
I am definitely a self help junkie and a worrier!!
My worry is at an all time high as on bed rest for preterm labor and am stuck in bed thinking and thinking. Mainly worrying about the future- money (how much is this birth gonna cost, how am I going to pay my mortgage, when will I get the disability check?!) and the health of my baby! Health of my baby before anything else and it’s like my mind will hop from one worry to the next. Google is not a good escape because that often leaves me more worried.
I agree about the higher power and I have a prayer shawl that the reverend from my church brought over and I cuddle up with that and that helps. I also visualize a healthy birth and a healthy baby and picture myself nursing and cuddling him. I also have a saying up in my bathroom, “I will only think beautiful thoughts because I am having a beautiful baby.” As far as money, I just have to have faith that things will work out.
In the past I’ve practiced meditation and mindfulness and I would like to get back to that since mindfulness fits in perfectly with being in the now and without judgement.
Ah bedrest is the WORST. I ended up on modified bed rest with one of my pregnancies and it was so hard – full bed rest would have driven me mad! Totally agree with you about Google… I love the image of your prayer shawl! So cozy and comforting on many levels! Hang in there, it gets better! You will have your beautiful baby in your arms soon (but not too soon!):)
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Thank you so much! came at the perfect time. I just love reading your blog. I sit down with a cuppa, when the kids are quiet (ha ha… see what I did there? Made a joke) …. and I just spend my time laughing or nodding furiously at your words! Thanks again!
Aw thank you Kristy!!
Dear dear Charlotte,
Thank you for this posting. I used it in a class I teach, today. It really struck home for our group. The visuals really brought it home! I teach a weight loss and healthier living support group for people over 50 at our local senior center. I can’t tell you how passionate the presentation was today, using YOUR information!
THANK YOU!!!
This comment made my WHOLE WEEK Sherri! Thank you so much and tell your support group hi from me!
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