All bodybuilders go to heaven… This is still my most favorite thrift store find and I know I’ve used it on here before but deal with it because I love this so hard. I think ‘Roided Out Guardian Angel With Mullet (TM) is going to be the unofficial GFE mascot!
Everyone has a Creepy Date story. My favorite story to tell is the time in college when a guy showed up on my doorstep wearing jeans with a big hole over his crotch with smiley face boxers peeking through. He said – and I swear I’m not making this up – “We’re both happy to see you!” Just in case his meaning wasn’t perfectly clear he did a little smiley-face hip thrust. Because I was young and didn’t know better, I didn’t turn around and go home right then to spend Friday night playing Simba on the Nintendo with my roommates. Instead I whispered to my friend that if she hadn’t heard from me in one hour to page me (yes, I’m that old) and fake an emergency to get me out of there. It turned out to be a necessary plan. When he took me to his place (to make me a “gourmet dinner” that turned out to be Cream of Chicken soup poured over instant rice) and the only furniture he had was a mattress on the floor, I knew I needed out. Fast.
If only I’d had a Guardian Angel! And by that I mean piece of jewelry designed to give us ladies an easier way out of a date gone bad and not a dude with wings, halo and bulging biceps. (Although I suppose both would have taken care of my problem!) The Guardian Angel is a sleek, innocuous-looking pendant that can be worn as a bracelet or necklace. When you push the button on it, it immediately sends a call to your phone giving you an excuse to bolt. But it’s not just good for creepy dates. Having drinks with a colleague who can’t stop talking about the project budget? Sitting in a cafe on the most boring OK Cupid meet-up ever? Caught next to a super chatty person on the bus? Press the button and end the misery!
When I first heard about this necklace-bracelet (can it work as a hair tie too??) – I was asked to cover it for SheKnows – I thought it was kind of brilliant. Because if you’ve read my site for very long you know I’ve had a lot of creepy dates. And some that went way beyond creepy. I could have used a magical amulet of protection. But the more I thought about it today, the more uneasy I began to feel about the concept.
Here’s the problem: Instead of buying an expensive pendant-gadget and concocting an elaborate excuse to leave why don’t you… just leave? We shouldn’t have to stay in situations that make us uncomfortable and we, especially women, should be able to say when someone is making us uncomfortable. We shouldn’t need an excuse to protect ourselves. And yet so many of us feel like we do. And I include me in that.
While it’s true I’ve gotten better about listening to my gut and avoiding situations that make me feel weird, I still have a really hard time just telling people I don’t like the way they’re treating me. I worry that I’ll hurt their feelings or that they won’t like me (which I don’t know why I’m worrying about someone who makes me uncomfortable enough to go through this logic spin-cycle liking me or not). I always worry that perhaps I’m being too sensitive or have misinterpreted the situation and they didn’t mean to squick me out.
Yet as I’ve gotten older, experience has shown me time and again that if my gut tells me something is off with someone then there usually is. And it doesn’t matter much what their intentions were if their actions make me uncomfortable. I have a right to feel safe. Even if that annoys the other person or hurts their feelings. In fact, according to Maslow and his hierarchy of needs, safety is the second most important need that human beings have after physiological needs like food and air.
Another thing I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older is that generally when I try to concoct an excuse, it ends up failing anyhow. Either I fail to be convincing enough in my argument and the other person sees my excuses as challenges to overcome or my failing memory kicks in and I forget all the pieces needed to keep up the charade. Either way has the potential for being deeply embarrassing for all parties involved. (Just ask my ex-boyfriend, whom I dumped by telling him I moved to Chicago to care for my ailing parents, how he felt when he called my apartment to ask my roommate for my forwarding address to send me a sympathy card and instead she answered, “Why don’t you just ask Charlotte herself? She’s right here!” Oops. In my defense, I was 18 and he was 35 so hopefully he wasn’t too surprised by my total immaturity.) I’ve learned it’s better to just say nothing than to make something up.
So if this is all so clear and we’re all so empowered, then why are we so scared to say what we really mean? And it’s not just me that has this issue. If the number of sitcom plot-lines dedicated to all the ways women fake-out dates is to be believed, it’s practically an epidemic in our culture. As I thought about this today I think it’s because, honestly, it’s easier in that moment. It’s hard to handle other people’s emotions, whether they’re hurt, disappointed, angry or even grateful since they get to eat your untouched Philly cheesesteak. And so instead we do what we think is the easy way out and let the consequences fall out later.
And yet.
The Guardian Angel works in more dire situations as well. Any woman who’s had to walk home alone at night or tried to find her car in a secluded parking garage knows how scary it can be. So if you are feeling really threatened you can hold down the button for three seconds and the gadget will either call 911 or text a pre-programmed number with a plea for help and your location coordinates. (It’s basically a posh version of the “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” lanyard crossed with a Jack Bauer hostage negotiation, thereby marrying two of my favorite TV phenomena EVER.) When I think about it from this angle it seems just as clear to me that everyone (especially my children!) should have one surgically attached to their person.
My initial reaction was: Cool! Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?? My second reaction was: Is this invention infantalizing women? Is it teaching us to think of ourselves as victims? Do women really need this? My third reaction was: Perhaps but women really need this.
In a perfect world we’d be able to just speak up and say how we felt. I really wish I’d just told smiley-face boxer-short guy, “No thanks, I’m not comfortable with that kind of double date. Both of you can go home.” (Where was P!nk when I needed her?!) But sometimes the moment can feel so overwhelming that you just need a quick out without having to explain too much. And worse, sometimes when we try to tell someone they’re bothering us it actually escalates the situation. If you’re already worried about someone being creepy and unpredictable, is it really safe to say something that might make them act in an even more creepy and unpredictable way?
In the end, maybe we all need a panic button. It certainly can’t hurt you to have one handy. I guess?
What’s your worst date story? Do you think the Guardian Angel jewelry concept is a brilliant safety tool or a lame cop out? Do you have a hard time telling someone they are making you uncomfortable?
I love the idea of the use in terms of paging cops/emergency contact with location. Does it communicate directly with GPS? I feel like for that situation, it’s not really initializing–it’s just a nice safety net.
There’s an app called SafeTrek that works in a similar way, but it’s strictly for getting in touch with police and emergency services.
Personally, I think anything that adds to a person’s safety is a good thing. (OK, ALMOST anything: Carrying around a rocket launcher is not the best plan.) And I think it is SO important to have at least a rudimentary knowledge of self-defense. Good self-defense classes will demonstrate not just fight moves, but also how to trust your instincts and use common sense.
A big light bulb for me was in college: In a class of mostly women, we were talking about riding the subway and how we hated it when guys would brush up against us (or worse). The one guy in the class said “Well, why don’t you just tell him to *#&$ off?” And we all started hemming and hawing saying “But what if he didn’t MEAN to? What if it was an accident?” And he came back with “So? If his hand is somewhere it shouldn’t be, you have the right to tell him to move it! And if he doesn’t, move it for him!”
Because he got it. Because boys aren’t taught to put everyone else’s comfort above their own safety.
Girls grow up believing that we have to be polite to EVERYONE. To ignore our instincts, and to wait for a man to come and rescue us. And when no one does, we’re blamed for “allowing” ourselves to be hurt. Told that an attack isn’t REALLY an attack. That we brought it on ourselves. That as long as we’re “good girls,” nothing bad will ever happen to us.
It is severely messed up. We need to teach our kids, boys AND girls, to trust themselves.
Just curious…does the Buff Guardian Angel clean up the kids’ rooms while they sleep? ‘Cause that’d be AWESOME!
I think it takes a lot of confidence and maturity to be able to speak your mind in uncomfortable situations. Ideally we would all be able to do that (hopefully with some tact) but most women aren’t comfortable doing that.
I guess a product like this would be helpful to women, but so many phones can do similar things already it seems a little unnecessary.
From a general guy’s perspective: I am a largish muscular guy. I know I CAN look scary. Especially when I cut my own hair. But that is more of an aesthetical kind-of-scary directly related to ineptitude.
From a minority male perspective I would like to quote President Obama:
“But I did want to just talk a little bit about context and how people have responded to it and how people are feeling. You know, when Trayvon Martin was first shot, I said that this could have been my son. Another way of saying that is Trayvon Martin could have been me 35 years ago. And when you think about why, in the African- American community at least, there’s a lot of pain around what happened here, I think it’s important to recognize that the African- American community is looking at this issue through a set of experiences and a history that — that doesn’t go away.
There are very few African-American men in this country who haven’t had the experience of being followed when they were shopping in a department store. That includes me.
And there are very few African-American men who haven’t had the experience of walking across the street and hearing the locks click on the doors of cars. That happens to me, at least before I was a senator. There are very few African-Americans who haven’t had the experience of getting on an elevator and a woman clutching her purse nervously and holding her breath until she had a chance to get off. That happens often.
And you know, I don’t want to exaggerate this, but those sets of experiences inform how the African-American community interprets what happened one night in Florida. And it’s inescapable for people to bring those experiences to bear.
The African-American community is also knowledgeable that there is a history of racial disparities in the application of our criminal laws, everything from the death penalty to enforcement of our drug laws. And that ends up having an impact in terms of how people interpret the case.” Close quote
In these circumstances, one can literally interchange African-American with Native American.
President Obama continues:
“On the other hand, in families and churches and workplaces, there’s a possibility that people are a little bit more honest, and at least you ask yourself your own questions about, am I wringing as much bias out of myself as I can; am I judging people, as much as I can, based on not the color of their skin but the content of their character? That would, I think, be an appropriate exercise in the wake of this tragedy.” Close quote
In light of all of this I am VERY patient and understanding when it comes to getting on an elevator and a woman clutches her purse nervously and holding her breath until she had a chance to get off.
I accommodate her by moving off to the side. Holding the door open for her. Or, use humor to put her at ease. Like just yesterday, a woman glanced sideways at me. I smiled at her and said: “I really hope summer falls on a Saturday this year!”
She snort-laughed, as it caught her off guard. She relaxed.
If a woman is walking towards me on a narrower sidewalk, I will step off the sidewalk and give her a wide berth.
And in that moment, her fear leaves.
I am actually kind to guys too. Guys have crossed to the opposite side of the street to avoid me. So if I am lost in thought but notice a guy alter his pace to be more hesitant, or he pauses, or his face changes, I smile and nod at him. He gets a look of relief.
THIS QUOTE of Charlotte’s: “Is this invention infantilizing women?”
Everybody needs to be taken care of at some point.
I have turned a tide of determined attack by ten guys by making them realize they would not only lose in a battle with me, but that it would hurt them.
A lot.
Most women do not have that advantage, although a woman should fight and not let odds deter her because time is gained for rescue or deterrence or opportunity for escape and opportunity for survival.
But I was physically abused by my wife.
The difference between fighting off a pack of wolves and being beaten upon by my wife is that I could hit the wolves back.
And even though I AM remarkably durable…it was still abusive.
I would really have loved to be taken care of.
Guardian Angel jewellery is a BRILLIANT safety tool and NOT a lame cop-out. Women really need this.
Re: telling someone they are making me uncomfortable:
More than once in my life I have been in a serious relationship where the lady involved was not having sex with me (because I was waiting for marriage) but she WAS having sex with other guys, and informed me that it shouldn’t matter WHO she gives her body to since her heart belongs to me.
In each instance the female in question thought that would fly because I am a “nice guy”.
It actually took me a while before I could say…“For the record? It DOES matter!”
And…I actually MET Jack Bauer. (Keifer Sutherland) Loved the show last night.
I like the idea of the necklace. Likely every time I got myself in trouble I wouldn’t be wearing it. I don’t consider it my job to support whatever lofty vision of women we are supposed to uphold. If the necklace makes me seem infantile then give me a soother!
I can tell peers and younger people the truth but there is no way I can tell older people or authority figures anything with the slightest scent of rudeness or hurtfulness.
Bad dates. Hmm well not a date but out with my girlfriend and we were mistaken for prostitutes by a group of Korean business men and they would not give up. We didn’t want to stay in the bar but we sure didn’t want to leave alone and we couldn’t get anybody on the phone. We finally had a male friend pick us up and come into the bar to get us. He had his PJs on.
I think its a double edged sword. I am all for something that increases an individuals sense of safety and security. I can think of a few times where this Guardian Angel amulet would have come in very handy. And I definitely wouldn’t judge anybody for using it… but here are my concerns.
1) Sometimes a safety device can make us feel invincible and we walk into situations we otherwise wouldn’t simply because “we have an out”
2) We should be able to just say no, or leave, or not put ourselves in situations without being afraid. However, I think this says less about us as women and more about the society we live in. Society has taught us helplessness and passiveness and when we are assertive we are called “bossy” — therefore we are rarely taught we have the option to leave. I think the necklace can help in situations like this.
Would I use it? No. But, I have had a decade of experience learning to say no (and being called bossy or bitchy or have people get mad at me…). It’s been worth it. But I had to learn to say no the hard way — and if this necklace teaches somebody or gives someone the ability to get out of a situation while learning to say no, then I applaud it.
Totally laughing at your date story. And at BYU, which makes his apparel that much more shocking and an honor code violation.
Also at BYU (happened more than once):
Girlfriend: Your friend asked me to pose naked for pictures and I did. Hope you don’t mind.
Me: Uhhh…actually…it bothers me because that kind of thing is against my religion.
Girlfriend: Oh.
Me: It’s actually against YOUR religion too. *pause* Same one.
Girlfriend: Oh! RIGHT! Well I guess that’s an “Oops!” then…
Me: “Oops”. Yes. That would also be an “Oops” for my friend. It’s against his religion too. Again, same one.
Girlfriend: ….True. What are you thinking?
Me: Forgive you. Hurt him.
Girlfriend: Wouldn’t that be against your religion?
Me: I don’t get an “Oops”? *sighs* Fine.
Wow. Thanks for the laugh! I have no idea what I would have done in that situation. Now – I would have sent him packing (isn’t it lovely how much more perspective we have in our 30s?) but in college? …I dunno.
As per the guardian angel – I’m on the side of the fence of “if I can handle something politely I will try to do so”. I can see the well-timed phone call being useful in a lot of situations getting out of conversations that were not uncomfortable, just… boring and long winded. Also the auto-police dial is awesome and totally worth it.
My worst date story: My ex-boyfriend set me up with his boss, who had met me before and wanted him to set us up together on a date. This guy was the owner of the company, fairly well-off, so I was already predisposed to like him a lot. (Hey, I was a teen-ager, what can I say.) I definitely had stars in my eyes when a limo pulled up to take me to an expensive restaurant, but I immediately was chagrined to discover that he already had a few drinks under his belt. Things quickly took a turn for the worse when he grabbed my hand and started sucking on my fingers. (EWWWW!) I didn’t even get my expensive dinner, because I told him to turn around and take me back. (To work, not home, since I didn’t like my parents being all up in my business.) That was a quick end to my one shot at having a sugar daddy.
That bicep is bigger than his head…an indication that he’s the real deal, no doubt. (So bizarrely funny!)