All photos courtesy of the Rugged Grace Tumblr
Have you ever played rugby? I haven’t. I had the chance once. The super rad Jen Sinkler (you may know her as the strong-woman who coined the phrase, “How do I get my cardio? I lift weights faster.”) once invited me to play with her team. Actually I think she invited me like five or six times. Yet despite my whole shtick being trying new athletic stuff I balked at rugby. I’ll be honest: they were some of the most super-fit ladies I’ve ever seen and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep up at all. I’m not usually one to mind public humiliation but I was really intimidated. I mean, it’s rugby.
At the time all I knew about rugby was that it had really complicated rules, people got hurt a lot and it most closely resembles American football, the sport I most detest. (Yell at me if you want but for me watching football is worse than watching my cat lick her biz. The players only move for 11 minutes out of 3+ hours of game time – the rest is just watching people yell at each other without being able to hear what they’re saying. How is that fun??)
I was scared. And I let my fear stop me from trying it.
But now I’m seriously regretting that decision. (The decision to play rugby, not the decision to never watch football again. I will stand by that one to my grave.) I should have trusted Jen. After all, she’s the one I made the MMA video for Lifetime Fitness with and taught me how insanely fun tackling someone is.
Because today I came across the the Rugged Grace project. The Harvard women’s rugby team dressed in identical gray sports bras and shorts, were given markers and told to write on their teammates’ bodies what they love and admire about them. It’s hard enough defining what it means to be a girl (or a woman or a lady) in our society, in our culture and in our bodies on our own. But what would happen if we let those who love us the most tell us what they see in us?
The team started the photo-essay as a way to fight the “frightening normalcy of hating your body” after a survey showed that a whopping 86% of female students said they had an eating disorder by age 20. (Question: Is this a Harvard thing? I mean I know how prevalent eating disorders are, especially in college students but nearly 9 out of 10?? I can’t decide if Harvard co-eds are just more honest or perhaps more perfectionist than my state-school girlfriends.)
Being strong women who played an “unfeminine” game, the women’s rugby team felt like they were in the perfect position to challenge that mentality and help redefine what it means to be female. “There is almost nothing in our society besides rugby that allows women to be truly physically aggressive, to use our bodies in the same unselfconscious, unafraid, assertive way that men use theirs all the time,” writes author and rugby player Amy Perfors.
Not only is this attitude different than what you find in many female sports but the players say that because all body types are necessary to play the game that rugby provides a more body-positive environment than other female sports. Unlike stereotypes like “a dancer’s body”, “a swimmer’s body” or “a runner’s body” there’s no such thing as a “rugby body” as apparently every body is a rugby body. If you doubt that, the pictures are definitely worth more than a thousand #thinspo words.
In fact many of the words they wrote on each other aren’t ones typically associated with the stereotype of a woman. But when you see the pride, camaraderie and love among the girls on the team suddenly the words look perfectly feminine.
One woman has “battle tested” written across her stomach, turning a long scar into a medal of honor.
“Squat master”, “Quad Lyfe” “Hey quads” and “So ripped” adorn a picture of muscular thighs that defy the fragile Hollywood standard we are all told we must aspire to.
The word “Huge” appears several times, challenging the assumption that women need to be as small as possible.
“Power sized” scrawled across a stomach replace all the iterations of tiny (anyone remember when “fun sized” was in?) that women have been taught to prefer.
Then there are the words like “Inspired/inspiring” (on chiseled calves) “powerful” (across the knuckles of two fists) and the simple “Proud” (across a chest).
Brooke Kantor, Helen Clark and Lydia Frederico write in an article on the team’s project in the Harvard Political Review that the team is fighting the message that women are supposed to be in a constant state of self-improvement through beauty products, diets, and exercise. “Exercise in particular has now taken its place as a piece of the “sexualization” of women phenomenon. Women are bombarded with the idea that the purpose of exercise is to attain a fit body, rather than to improve athletically,” they write.
I couldn’t agree more. These days “health” for women is all about looking a certain way rather than feeling a certain way. We pay lip service to the myriad mental and physical benefits of fitness but in the end it’s “bikini body boot camps” that sell.
According to Amy Perfors, shedding this version of health and beauty is one of the best parts of rugby. “There is a wonderful transformation during the season as recruits come to realize that being strong and muscular makes someone more beautiful, not less; that routinely tackling other women into the ground on the weekends not only doesn’t compromise femininity, it increases self-confidence and assertiveness; and that women really can do something that almost everything and everyone says we can’t do.”
I found this especially meaningful as I just go a comment on an old post, one where I talked about doing Krav Maga as way to get past the PTSD from being sexually assaulted, that said basically, “Women doing MMA? And you bitches wonder why men don’t want to hold open doors or pull out chairs for you. Chivalry is dead because girls like you killed it.” (Note: I deleted the comment as it violated my no-cursing policy. And also my no douchebags policy.) But I’ll admit that I thought about that comment for a long time. Was it impossible to be both aggressive and feminine? Was learning to protect myself (and I guess lessening the need for men to play their traditional role of protector) effectively castrating men? No. Just because we can be tough doesn’t mean we have to be tough in every situation. And I find the fact that this attitude even exists to be terrifying.
And then there’s something particularly touching about watching the girls write the statements on their team members. We’re so often encouraged to see other women as rivals and competition or bitches and ho’s. Heck, I think the entire premise of reality television shows, all the way from Toddlers and Tiaras to the Real Housewives of Wherever, are written on the premise of women tearing down other women. So it feels rare and special to see women taking such care with each other. This isn’t some hypersexualized picture of women in underwear having a pillow fight or doing a fashion show or even showing off unrealistically ripped pictures of “strong is the new skinny” – it’s just women being awesome.
You know, like we do.
I wish I had tried rugby and I’m sad now that I didn’t jump on that opportunity. Yet I think the larger message of Rugged Grace is even more powerful: Even if we don’t play rugby, sometimes we just need to see ourselves through someone else’s eyes to recognize how beautiful, unique and especially strong we truly are.
Any of you ever play rugby? Anyone else ever not tried something because they were afraid?? And I can think of lots of words I’d love to scrawl across the lovely, talented, smart, strong ladies in my life — do you think my friends would let me attack them with a marker?? (I know Jelly Bean would – child is ALL about drawing on herself with markers!)
I LOVE this…what you said about exercise is now about how you look instead of how you feel…that’s what I’ve been fighting to get away from. That sentence hit me like a rock. I first started exercise BECAUSE of how I looked. Because I hated how I looked. Terrible reason, really. Naturally…I hated exercise. As I lost the weight, I discovered that I wasn’t really liking my body all that much. I couldn’t understand why. I cried a lot about it because I couldn’t understand why the weight loss wasn’t making me happy!
I thought about it a lot.
Then my husband explained (simply) that he did NOT care what I looked like…that he would love me the same if I was fat, skinny, or anywhere in between. He made me believe it.
I then realized that I had exercise all wrong. I was exercising for the way it made me LOOK instead of the way it made me FEEL. Why?? Once I started looking at exercise as FUN and as a way to feel STRONG, POWERFUL, CAPABLE, and FEMININE…everything changed. I started to see exercise as those things, but more importantly…I saw ME as those things. I saw myself as beautiful. Exercise was not a chore. It was something I wanted to do for me. I was no longer afraid of it.
I have never played rugby…but I would totally love to tackle somebody! Thank you Charlotte…this was beautiful. These girls figured it out a lot faster than I did. It was so frustrating at first. But once the lights were turned on, I learned how to see my own awesome.
So VERY happy you learned how to see your own awesome Sarah!
I would just say to you what i said to Charlotte re: tackling somebody: you should ONLY tackle when absolutely necessary. Remember the lesson of Spiderman: “With great power comes great responsibility.”
“Anyone else ever not tried something because they were afraid?” <- This is me a lot of the time. I wanted to try a Zumba class for a couple of years before I actually found one near me. Then once I found it, it took me a couple of weeks to work up to actually trying it. And loving it. You'd think I'd learn a lesson, but any new, unknown situation pretty much freaks me out.
I don't think I could play rugby – I don't think I could bring myself to tackle someone. This project is pretty cool though!
My guess as to the overwhelming prevalence of EDs among the women at Harvard has to do with the prevalence of EDs among overachievers– a school that has a reputation of being so selective will naturally attract that personality type.
This of yours Charlotte: “But now I’m seriously regretting that decision. (The decision to play rugby, not the decision to never watch football again. I will stand by that one to my grave.)”
I sometimes think that you are my sister from another mother.
I TOTALLY agree with every sentiment you have expressed here regarding watching football.
A friend even bought tickets to a game where Steve Young was quarterback. (Apparently that meant something.) He said I needed to “try watching football once.”
I left at halftime.
Now remember: I don’t drink or smoke or swear or ogle women or comment on their body parts and I don’t picture every woman I meet naked and I don’t stare at a woman’s chest when I talk to her and I don’t try to have sex with every woman who speaks to me as I require a ring on my finger before THAT happens. I don’t “read” Playboy or watch porn.
I also don’t place much time and energy into scratching my belly and burping.
So not watching football…or ANY sports…almost got me kicked out of the club.
There have been many membership review panels. And tsk-ing. And mocking.
My saving graces were that I am strong and fast and coordinated and skilled athletically. I could pretty much kick everybody’s butt in whatever competition. So I got points for that.
Then when I was younger my parents sat me down and played “What happens next?” with me in regards to football etc.
They pointed out that although I am very durable, injuries happen. And I saw that would probably result in me hobbling around like a ninety year old before I was thirty.
And because concussions.
So I dropped playing every team sport except basketball, and I have actually weaned myself off of that as well.
As as result, I am back to borderline being kicked out of the camaraderie.
But it was the better choice.
Thus Charlotte, I applaud your decision to not play rugby. Stick to it.
And Charlotte, you should ONLY tackle when absolutely necessary. Remember the lesson of Spiderman: “With great power comes great responsibility.”
THEN there is THIS quote: “There is almost nothing in our society besides rugby that allows women to be truly physically aggressive, to use our bodies in the same unselfconscious, unafraid, assertive way that men use theirs all the time,” writes author and rugby player Amy Perfors.
Yeah…that’s not necessarily a good thing.
Ladies should realize by now that “truly physically aggressive” in an “unselfconscious” way comes from an insecure place…and more often that not leads to the shallow self-centered, sense of entitlement and insensitive buffoonery that many men have become known for.
American author Mary McCarthy stated: “In violence we forget who we are.”
Thus conscious consideration should ALWAYS be involved in ANY matter of physical aggression.
And that should mostly be as a matter of necessity.
Avoid rather than check; check rather than hurt; hurt rather than maim; maim rather than kill.
NOT the stated goals of ANY professional team.
George Orwell said: “Serious sport has nothing to with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, disregard of all rules and sadistic pleasure in witnessing violence: in other words it is war minus the shooting.”
Hope I get this quote right…LDS Church President Ezra Taft Benson said: “Current thinking would have women be equal to men. We say, we would not have you descend to that level.”
Like…the guy who commented on your old post about doing Krav Maga who…shall we say…in-elegantly?…(also violated your no douchebags policy) stated: “Women doing MMA? And you ******* wonder why men don’t want to hold open doors or pull out chairs for you. Chivalry is dead because girls like you killed it.”
I hold open doors for women all the time. And I have not been snarled at for doing so for years.
Most ladies are pleasantly surprised…but grateful.
I will also not let a door slide shut in a guys face.
In fact, I have held a mall door open for an entire crowd, women and men.
I just tell them I am including the skill on my resume.
YES, Darwin…conscious consideration in any matter of physical aggression. Brains before brawn, so to speak. As a woman, I have been taught that it is not OK to be prepared to fight. That you will never find yourself in that position since you are a “girl” (I’m not sure what century my parents grew up in!). Fortunately, I know the world I live in. If I cannot reason with someone first (like civilized humans) then I am fully prepared to defend myself. And you best believe the other party will be sorry first. That makes me no less a lady…it makes me a SMART and capable one. Conscious consideration = think before you fight.
Sarah…I am SO VERY GLAD – Happy! Ecstatic! That you are fully prepared to defend yourself!
A sad necessity, as you said, “in the world we live in” that it is a matter to be weighed or taken into account.
“Conscious consideration = think before you fight.” as you put it. YES. And also in the context of considering that one MAY have to fight in some circumstance.
I celebrate your preparedness because I like to think of you as SAFE, and because there are many women AND men who do not prepare at all. I am glad you do.
Being LDS, two pillars we males have as lay-priesthood holders is to PROTECT and PROVIDE.
Guys go to GREAT lengths to acquire knowledge and skills and competence to be able to provide. YEARS of education and study and practical experience. But far too many give next to no thought and no preparation at all in learning to PROTECT.
One CAN provide without being in excellent physical condition.
I have trained my body, developed strong muscles, cardiovascular strength, flexibility, studied a variety of fighting styles. And weapons.
I have acquired knowledge to protect.
For example, at the top of this article Charlotte quotes her friend, the super rad Jen Sinkler as saying: “How do I get my cardio? I lift weights faster.”
Someone with a knowledge of “protect” knows that a person who gets their cardio from “lifting weights faster” will not last long in a fight.
They had best hope they win within the first minute. After that they will most likely lose.
Over the years, people have dropped by and seen me pounding away at my heavy bag in the garage with my fists and hands and elbows and knees and feet and shins.
They have called me violent. (And these are people who are supposed to KNOW about “protect” as well as provide.)
No. I am not violent.
I am preparing to repel violence.
After conscious consideration.
Pre-marriage at a church gathering by the river of friends…unmarried men and women…a couple of tough guys rolled up and were assessing the group from a not-to-distant vantage point. They were reading the group. Their eyes roaming over the ladies from head to toe and they evaluating the guys.
Looking for the fear in their body-language.
And in their eyes.
They found fear in the other guys.
I stepped between the group and the toughs so the tough guys would be able to “read” me clearly.
Suddenly they did NOT like their chances.
They left.
One of the girls…a little shaken, spoke to one of the males in our group: “I don’t understand what just happened! Those men looked like they were going to attack us, and then they just left!”
The guy she was talking to said quietly: “It was because of Darwin.”
“But Darwin didn’t DO anything!” she stated.
“They were afraid of what he WOULD do.”
It still never sank in though. No one I know of actually prepares, learns, or studies to protect.
Somehow they feel the necessary physical attributes and skills will descend upon them like dew from heaven if the need arises.
Weird.
Oops!
Forgot to comment on this quote of yours Charlotte: “Was learning to protect myself (and I guess lessening the need for men to play their traditional role of protector) effectively castrating men?”
You answered your own question by saying “No” and you are right.
Learning to protect yourself IS ESSENTIAL.
I have fought for my life against scary animals, tracked monsters (story for another time) and stood up to various bad guys by themselves and in large groups out for my blood.
I have always won.
But even a lion can find itself overwhelmed at some point by a pack of hyenas.
Lucky punches DO happen.
As do injuries.
I have been shot at and stabbed.
I have always stressed to everyone I have been romantically involved with to learn to protect themselves.
NOT so I could “slack off” or shirk my role as protector, but because I will honestly eliminate and weaken as much of the opposition as possible, and if I go down, my Significant Other should not be defenseless if she has not been able to make her escape.
And she could give me the moments I need to rally and get back into it.
Tag-Team effort.
I do like a sport where I can get down and dirty and throw down but, I hate, hate, hate the idea that I might hurt somebody. Is there like a team lumberjack game or maybe throwing mud pies at each other (while wearing goggles)!
I absolutely adore you and your posts. Now that you aren’t blogging all the time, each post seems more meaningful. I wouldn’t have known about this story if it weren’t for you, so thank you. Finding the beauty in your own body should be automatic, but so sadly it is not. If only we all had a “team” around us like the girls in that article do, we would all be a bit more accepting I think.
Love this post, shows that you don’t have to be rail skinny to be attractive! Every women is attractive in their own ways, and I love a girl who is fit and strong. She doesn’t have to be thin.
I think this is an awesome idea. My only complaint is the whole sports bra thing. I get that having access to write on their teammate’s stomachs was important here but it just feels like every “real women”, “body confidence”, etc photo shoot gives off the impression that the only reason we aren’t all out there in our bras or bikinis is because we don’t feel confident enough. I think maybe I’d rather have seen these women in their rugby uniforms, especially for something that makes a great point about sexualization and exercise.
LOVE – that is all!!!!
Fabulous, strong, inspiring photos and post! Thank you for sharing this story!
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I have played rugby for 12 years and love the supportive sisterhood I have from every team I have played for and against. It empowers women to be brave, unabashedly strong and openly tough. We come together to support each other physically and emotionally.
I recently played against a woman who was in her first season at the age of 51. My boyfriend didn’s start playing until he was 32. All body types and ages are welcome!
It’s great to see another post! I actually got to try rugby, years ago. My sister-in-law is from New Zealand and apparently rugby is a thing there, so she found a team we could practice with. It was . . . unpleasant for me. Not that rugby is unpleasant; everyone was nice, it was a great work-out, and those woman were tough as nails! It was just I was too shy to engage the team and I detest team sports of all kinds. I must have been sick the day they were handing out team spirit, because I have absolutely none. My brain just doesn’t seem to be wired to work with other people like that. So, I’m glad I tried it, but I’m also glad I wasn’t obligated to play for more than a couple weeks.
Yes! and why the hell not! 😀
Awesome post! I was totally captivated right from the start and found myself reflecting on the days that I played rugby back in college (gooo Wolfpack!). One of the chics on our team actually had the last name “Brickhouse.” And she was build like a brick house too! How cool is that? I was definitely glad to have her on our team 🙂
Anyway- thank you for sharing this amazing post. It’s beyond inspiring. Woman rock!
I love these photos, and I’m so glad that these women have decided to do this! Makes me feel a lot better about myself 🙂
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There’s no such sport as “rugby”. There’s rugby union (15-a-side), and Rugby League (13-a-side). There are many differences in the rules.
The rugby union authorities in France teamed up with the Nazi-backed Vichy regime in 1940 to ban Rugby League in that country.
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