“Um, don’t take this the wrong way but I always see you guys killing yourselves for like 20 minutes but then you just…” her voice trailed off.
“…Sit here and do this?” Gym Buddy Allison waved at us sitting and “stretching” (read: talking with one leg haphazardly extended).
“Yeah! What’s up with that?!” Our new friend Erika at the gym asked as people slogged away on ellipticals all around us.
“Oh that used to be us too, about 4 years ago,” I started.
“But not anymore!” Allison chimed in. “We’ve learned a lot.”
“So what changed?” Erika (who may soon become a Gym Buddy as I think I talked her into trying our workouts with us!) asked.
I paused, considering the roller coaster of the past few years of diets, exercise addiction, freak-of-the-week TV spots, 2 books and another baby. “Everything,” I said. “Absolutely everything.”
Last year, for my 32nd birthday I gave myself a special gift: I quit blogging. Jelly Bean was 7 months old and I found myself at the end of my rope with my eating and exercise. I was desperate to lose the baby weight and I could feel the crazy voices circling like vultures. But this time I was determined to not fall into old habits. I had a daughter now, one who would watch my every action and learn to love or hate herself as I loved or hated myself. Lest you think I’m giving myself too much credit, I found a panty liner in Jelly Bean’s diaper the other day. That girl watches me like a hawk, even when I don’t realize she’s there (like, um, in the bathroom – note to self: shut the door!). I have no doubt that if she saw me weighing myself, she’d be shoving me off the scale and planting her own pudgy toddler feet on it – the mere thought of which makes me shudder – before I could say “eating disorders run in our family”. I needed time to figure myself out and so I gave myself time.
Desperation and my daughter led me to try something I’d never considered before, something I was completely terrified of, something I was sure could never work for broken me. Intuitive Eating, Geneen Roth style, came into my life and that first month was intense. It was like learning to eat all over again but when I emerged – and started blogging again (turns out I just needed a month, who knew?)- I knew it had been worth it. That was one year ago. If you would have told me a year ago that I’d be able to eat basically anything and not gain weight, I would not have believed you. If you would have told me two years ago that I could go without weighing myself and not gain weight, I would have laughed in your face. If you would have told me three years ago that I could maintain my weight without doing hours of cardio every day, I would not have listened, would not have even been able to hear you, even. If you would have told me four years ago that I could lose my pregnancy weight and maintain that loss without food journaling and calorie counting, I would have sobbed and told you a hundred reasons why that wasn’t true for me.
And yet here I am. No weighing, no counting, no excessive exercise, and I’m fine. Today I weighed myself – don’t freak out, I don’t plan on continuing but I wanted to know how my Intuitive Eating Experiment had worked over the course of a year – and I weigh one pound more than this day one year ago. I consider this a coup of the grandest level. I am happy, I’m healthy and I’m sane. Well, sane-ish. I trusted my body to tell me what it needed and it did. I’m amazed. I’m grateful. I’m humbled.
I’m not perfect, however. I still have a long way to go – I have more “fat days” than I care to recount, I still compare myself to other women, I still have my favorite pair of “skinny jeans” that don’t fit and will never fit as long as I’m at a healthy weight – but look how far I’ve come, baby! Happy Birthday, indeed!
And to celebrate this momentous year, my sister and best friend Laura threw me a “Great Fitness Experiment Birthday Party” – best birthday party I’ve ever had! It was epic:
What was your favorite birthday? I got a jar of beets as a gift (from Laura, of course, she knows how I feel about pooping bloody entrails!) – what’s the strangest gift you’ve gotten?
Happy birthday!!!!! 😉 I look forward to reading you for the next year and many more after!
Aw, thank you!!
I would like to state, for the record, that I also gave you a cute t-shirt. Not just beets. Although, my beets are a fabulous gift because they are organic, home-canned deliciousness. Glad you liked the birthday party 🙂 Love, love, love you!
TRUE! I love that tee! And I lovelovelove your beets! Even if they do make my toilet look like a blood bath;) Thank you again for the fabulous party – I love you forever!
Congratulations, and happy birthday!!!!!!! That DOES look like the best party ever!
We’ve never met, but I love you and am SO PROUD of you!
(I’m trying to think of the weirdest present I’ve ever gotten, but I honestly can’t think of any at the moment. Although I do remember my [5th? 6th?] birthday where everyone started to sing “Happy Birthday” and I burst into tears because everyone was looking at me.
Then I later became an actress. Go figure, lol!)
Hahah- I think our dramatic personalities would get along well together;)
Happy birthday!! Best birthday present EVA would have to be my engagement ring and birthday/proposal music video where The Boy lip synced to a cheesy love song 2 years ago. I was exhausted after working and then flying out to San Fransisco to visit him and I just wanted to sleep. Turning around and seeing him on bended knee = awesome.
So 29 was an awesome birthday 🙂
Aw! That IS the best birthday present ever! He set the bar kind of high though – how do you follow up that gift?? 😉
Yeah, I told him that! His reasoning was that in my 30th year, we’d have a wedding!
I love when you post photos of yourself. You’re always glowing with joy and vitality. You’re really an inspiration. I’m also inspired by your experiences with intuitive eating. I’m one of those people who keep saying “that wouldn’t work for me”. But then I wonder if I’m not giving my brilliant, beautiful body enough credit. Happy birthday!
It has worked well for me but I think you have to be at the right point in your life to really embrace it. So if it isn’t feeling right yet, don’t push it – but on the other hand, if you are ready, it’s sooo freeing!
Yeah I kind of think your family is pretty awesome.
Aw thanks, I do too:)
Happy Bday and I am so glad you didnt quit your blog for long. I remember that post!
And I love all the family fun and love in these pics 🙂
Thanks, me too!
Happy GFE birthday!
I love your pictures, you look so full of life in all of them! 🙂
Have you used intuitive eating to lose weight, too, or just to maintain it? I’ve been thinking about going intuitve myself, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to lose any weight with it. I might just wait until I’ve reached my goal, because I’m sure it’s a great way to maintain!
I have not used IE to lose weight but most people do. In Geneen Roth’s books she talks a lot about using it to lose her weight and how others have as well. I totally recommend her stuff!
Thanks for elaborating! I see she has written quite a few books, which would you recommend to start with?
Ive just gotta say I LOVE how much *you* are loved.
Thank you – me too:) I’m very blessed.
Man does that look like a fun party!
And wow, what a testament to intuitive eating. So glad it’s worked out so well! Alas, my intuition keeps telling me that I want cupcakes and brownies for breakfast so I’m not sure how well it would work for me, but it’s hard to argue with the results you’ve gotten. And you look so freakin’ HAPPY!
I am happy – it’s a good life! As for the cupcakes, you have to learn to differentiate between what your body wants and what it needs – easier said than done, I know! Good to see you back around:)
Happy Birthday! Here’s to many more!
Happy Birthday and thank you for the blogging and especially the wonderful post today. I am glad the intuitive eating has worked well for you and I hope you keep up the wonderful work.
Thank you!! I’m trying:)
I know what to get you for your 90th birthday: Denture’s, ’cause you look better with teeth. Happy birthday!
I love fitness birthdays. No better present to give yourself than to prove that the ol’ bod is still up for anything.
Hahaha! So true – fitness birthdays are the best! I’m guessing you’ve had your fair share too!
You have worked really hard to get to thins point with your eating! I’m so glad that you were able to do it as well as you have, Charlotte!! Happy Birthday, buddy!
Thank you, buddy:) It’s been quite the journey and I’m sure it’s not over yet!
Happy Birthday and congratulations on everything you’ve accomplished!
Happy Birthday Charlotte! Looks like you guys had a blast! 🙂
I love the picture of you with your sisters posing. My 3 daughters have some pictures like that and they are quite special.
🙂 Marion
Sisters really are the best! What a wonderful gift you gave your daughters!
This is awesome because I hadn’t weighed myself since before I moved (about a month ago) and I’ve spent that month driving across the country, celebrating with lots of cookies/candy/cake, not working out nearly as much (as in half the time as normal) and generally just being lazy and loving life. I weighed myself this morning because the curiosity was killing me. My weight is the EXACT same as a month ago. Down to the .2! I literally laughed out loud.
Congrats to you for all your accomplishments this year and before that! you are an inspiration, and I don’t say that lightly! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Yay! So glad it works for you too! Kinda amazing how well our bodies work when we’re not messing with ’em! And thank you:)))
Happy Birthday!! I love your pictures, especially your self portrait. Cute sunglasses! Looks like you had just as much fun as your daughter on the slide 🙂
Happy Birthday! Thank you for the great post, I am on my 5 month of Intuitive Eating (thank you for the encouragement) and I think it might be working – I believe everything you said and can see myself in 7 months from now – sounding a lot like you! thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Yay! It’s quite the process so I’m glad you are finding success with it! Keep me posted!
Happy happy birthday! It sounds like you’re in such a good place and I am so thrilled for you.
I still have that pair of “skinny jeans” too but at least I think I’ve reached the point where I don’t honestly think I should try to fit into them again. But I’m still not ready to get rid of them and they’ll be making the move across country with me. Every time you write about intuitive eating it makes me want to give it a real shot but I worry, what if I try and I’m still completely screwed up about food? Maybe I need to try it with that return to therapy I keep promising. Hmmm.
You know, I had to be in the right place to accept IE. So if you don’t feel ready to try it, don’t force it. The last thing you want to do is give yourself another set of food rules to obsess over. But when you’re ready, it is so freeing! PS. Glad to know I’m not the only one hanging on to those stupid pants.
Awesome birthday present. Awesome birthday party. For awesome you!
wooohooo! I totally would have been hanging at the smoothie station… and the wig station. Happy 333333333!!!!! <–that's the number 33, but with echoes in my typing-voice.
Hahah thank you! The smoothie station was pretty sweet;)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
You are my IE inspiration, Charlotte. For reals. *hugs* 🙂
Thank you! How is IE going for you these days??
Pretty good! I’m back to writing . . . er . . . I’m back to trying to find TIME to write, anyway. I got the got the initial stuff resolved and am now working with an AWESOME nutritionist who is calling me on all the little ways I still try to rationalize The Crazy. 😉 So eventually I’ll have the next round of stuff resolved – woo-hoo! 🙂
Charlotte – what a wonderful & fantastic post!!! I am so proud of you after reading thru the years about your probs behind all this. Course it shows in the pics how proud you are of yourself! YOU SHOULD BE!
The pics – LOVE and you are going to love going back & looking at them when you are my age! The boys, not so sure about them! 😉
Happy bday!!!! I did not even know – bad me!
Oh I plan on pulling out those pics at my boys’ first prom…;)
Oh thank you for reading my book!! That really means a lot to me! I’m glad you are enjoying it – and yeah, you’re in good company with “eating and exercise hangups”, lol. Seriously, if I can get past this anyone can!
Hey, happy birthday! yay!
On a more somber note, I wish I.E. could work. I am where you were at when you started. I just want to relax and be normal, but it looks like I’ll never be. I took June off to rest and eat with my family and I gained 10lbs, (which I suspected would happen). Maybe it’s just because I can’t hear my body saying that no one needs to eat as many desserts I think I do…
Anywho…back to watching things, eating chicken and fish, and p90x. At least it makes the sugar cravings go away…
I can hear the sadness coming through in your comment and I’m so sorry it didn’t work in the way you wanted it to. Not knowing your situation I can’t offer you any advice but just from this it sounds to me like you are closer to IE than you think. IE is not eating whatever you want but getting to know your body well enough that you know what foods it really needs. And it sounds like you recognize your body is telling you it needs more protein and pullups;)
maybe I’m getting Intuitive Eating confused with Weigh Down in my brain. Awkward. that’s when I ate pecan pie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but I stopped after 3 or 4 bites. 🙂
Happy Birthday! Sounds like it was a lot of fun and you have a great sister. I’m a regular reader of your blog, though I rarely comment. I’ve never had an eating disorder; I just like to read about your fitness experiments and your experiences. I’m so glad you have come such a long way in the past year and I’m very happy for you. And the main reason I decided to comment today is that I know “Aunt Amy”. Weird. I grew up in the same town as her and went to school with her sister. Such a small world.
I love Amy!!! She is the best sister-in-law anyone could ask for. So funny you went to school with her – small world indeed! P.S. And thank you for reading the GFE even if my crazy bleeds through a little too often;)
That birthday party looked like a BLAST!!! Love the pics! So glad you had such a great time with your family! Now…I’m glad your back 😀
Yay! Me too!!
You look like you had a total blast! And, all the kids are super adorable, as is your family all together! It’s weird, because I have no family in this province (or…for several provinces on either side), and so the pictures make me smile, yet also make me a little sad.
Also, sun protection is key. Even though I’m mixed, and live in a pretty high up latitude, I still burn. I use SPF 30 every day. I know, perhaps crazy, but I refuse to have wrinkles before my time. Thus, I think I need to invest in one of your awesome hats.
Well done, Lou!!! What an awesome day!
Happy Birthday! The “pose like Charlotte” was dead-on 😉
That actually does look like a rockin’ birthday party! Wigs, pinatas, bloody entrails — what more could you possibly want from a birthday bash?
I’m so glad you had a great time! Much deserved.
And as always the photos rock!
OMG I love these birthday pics! it looks like so much fun!! I think one of the best birthday gifts was my bday last year where my friends organized a scavenger hunt for me where by the end, I had purchased (with THEIR money, of course!) an outfit to go out for dinner/drinks after…it was so much fun! glad to be back reading all your wonderful posts…love it!!
I’m so behind in my blog reading….
Happy belated! That looks like the funnest birthday ever! Except the folding laundry without dropping the baby, I never mastered that move.
Happy (belated) birthday friend!!! So proud of you and what a fun thoughtful party!
Happy Birthday! It looks like you had a truly wonderful time!
Happy Birthday! I’ve learned so much in these couple of months that I’ve read your blog. Thank you so much for your ideas. And for sharing your successes. And, I must be emotional because I swear feel like crying! I’m so glad I found your blog .. 😮
Oh my, I’m really late to this party- I bet you’re nearly 34 by now! :-O Well, thank goodness that your IE ‘experiment’ is a huge success- and gives me hope. You look radiant and healthy and happy- not to mention slim- so it’s all good. 🙂
Happy, happy, happy birthday, dear Charlotte!
You give me so much hope for my 30s–
and you’ve encouraged me to LET GO of so many of my ED hangups.
Thank you.
Thank you for your vulnerability,
your silly faces,
and your love of the tutu.
I wish you all the love and wonder in the world, girl.
I REALLY needed to read this, thanks so much for sharing your experience. You absolutely rock for trying this and going through with it and coming out the winner.
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Glad to see it went so well!! I’m doing it. Right now. Thanks for the inspiration! 🙂
Wow, this is insane!!! I started reading your blog a loong time ago, as I was equally obsessed with fitness and diet, and all things in the name of “health”! Since then, I have come to terms and gotten treatment for a long lasting ED. I have recently started reading the book Intuitive Eating By Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, and just recently received my first Geneen Roth book!! Anyway, i decided to visit your site this morning (i had forgotten about it!) and i am sooooo estatic to read this post!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To hear that it has worked for a fellow fitness nut, and how happy you sound! You totally rock, thank you for sharing with all of us!!
Yayay Elise! This makes me SO happy to hear! First, congrats on getting help with your ED. I know what a difficult and scary first step that can be. It sounds like you are doing really well with your recovery! I love the Geneen Roth books – you’ll have to let me know what you think and how they work for you. As for the link, I’m not sure why it didn’t work but here it is again: https://www.thegreatfitnessexperiment.com/2010/07/oprah-stole-my-moment-intuitive-eating.html
Thanks so much for finding me again – that means a lot to me!
by the way, your link for “intuitive eating, geneen roth style” isn’t working in this post (:
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