Well that’s a bummer.The leaves changing color, the nip in the air, the never ending back-to-school nights with their ten-page supply lists are all signs of the impending season change, sure, but nothing announces the advent of fall in suburbia like the pitter-patter of little soccer cleats across a field. (That would be football for everyone outside the States. It was probably unnecessary to clarify that but I have one surprisingly dedicated reader in Singapore and I’ll be rather disappointed if I ever lose them.)
Raise your hand if you played soccer as a kid. I imagine that includes everyone. Tying on your shin guards and wrestling those tube socks up over your knees is a right of passage for children everywhere. But so is something else: getting your butt kicked. In fact, if you were me, that was pretty much all soccer entailed. (And softball and basketball and volleyball and football. True story: I was the only girl on my high school Powder Puff team to get not a single second of playing time in a game.)
These days things have changed. With the advent of non-competitive leagues and a general aura of Everyone’s a Winner, kids spend a lot less time losing than I did. Many have griped about this, saying that we are coddling our kids and it makes them weaker, unable to handle real world defeat when it smacks them across the face in adulthood. But I, for one, actually find it refreshing. My childhood spent sucking at every conceivable group sport left me with a lifelong hatred of group sports that I have only been able to overcome in my late twenties. I’ll admit it: I still get jittery playing something as simple as a pick-up game of frisbee.
The difference in these viewpoints is how you see the purpose of sports. Despite having a very competitive nature, the main purpose of sports for me is to exercise and to have fun. For many other people, however, it is to win. This has played out in an interesting fashion in my kids.
Last fall the husband and I decided to enroll our two eldest boys in the city soccer league, non-competitive division. I figured they’d get some fresh air and learn about teamwork. If things went really well they might even learn the rules of the game – a feat I never accomplished in all my time on the field. This is exactly what my five-year-old got. His team has no goalie and players routinely put themselves on the sidelines when they’d rather play with their dinosaurs than the other kids. Snack time is the highlight. They have lost every single game.
Compare that to my seven-year-old’s team. Their coach and half their players are from the competitive league and apparently use the non-competitive league as a warm up for their season. They have assigned positions, complicated plays and drills that involve an amazing amount of coordination. Not only have they won every single game but my son came home this last time shouting, “We beat ‘em 16 to 1! And that was only because Coach told us to let them get one in at the end!” Cue the sad violins for the opposing team.
As you would expect, this caused many tears from the five-year-old and hours of bragging from the seven-year-old (not that it takes much to induce either crying or bragging in our house these days). You’d think that this would be evidence to run the team in the latter manner. And yet, despite my older son’s joy at winning – and I say this with great love – he’s by far the worst player on his team. This has led his coach to say, within his hearing, “Only kick the ball to Andersen if he’s the only person around and then stay right on it.” You should have seen his big puppy eyes fill with tears when he asked me why no one would pass him the ball. He also only gets assigned to play one defensive position in the very back, where he never sees the ball much less touches it. The other parents whisper things like “state college” and “band scholarship” behind their hands and won’t look me in the eyes.
Of course it all makes me very upset. Come on, that’s what I do. The husband is more zen about the whole thing saying about both sons, “Eh, they’re having fun. They’re learning stuff.” The tears that I see as heart-breaking he sees as character-building. It’s not just our family that’s divided on the group sports issue. When I posted on Facebook about how I’m not cut out to be a soccer mom (I believe I actually used the phrase “soccer sucks” ’cause I’m mature like that), I got an amazing array of responses – everything from total agreement to total disdain leading me to conclude that soccer, not Al Franken, is the great polarizing force in our generation.
So now I have to know your opinion! When you play sports, do you play to win? What is your philosophy about kids and sports? In the picture above, which guy is getting the worse end of the deal? Seriously, I’ve been looking at it for like 10 minutes and I still can’t decide.
That picture gives new meaning to the phrase head-butt.”: Haha. I am TWELVE.
Actually, not phrase, but the concept. of the ‘head-butt.’ I am TWELVE and tired.
Hahaha you made me laugh TWICE today. I love you.
LOL funny topic as I volunteered to be my daughters soccer coach this fall. What do I know about soccer….very little. But she wanted me to and how can I say no to that! We have the same non-competitive and competitive type leagues, we do the non-competitive. This is sad to say, but kids start sports so young these days that if this was your seven year olds first time playing he had a disadvantage compared to the others. And I mean that in the sense that you shouldn’t take it he is bad at soccer, but it takes time to develop those skills and the other kids have had more time to do so.
It sucks that he had a negative experience and if that happens again I wonder if you could request a transfer to another team?
I think most of the problems with kids sports start with parents and coaches putting too much pressure on kids.
I’m excited to hear how this goes for you!!
Yeah, um, I’m guessing you know the answer to that question with regards to me! 🙂 My kids, however, are in it simply for the fun…and I love that! I’m the most vocal mom on the sidelines, but they lost every game this season and I was just fine with that!
Hahah – yes, there’s a reason I’ve never played softball with you!
Oh, and we didn’t have soccer at my school when I was growing up…so I guess I’m the one with my hand not raised.
I never played soccer either. It involved running; therefore, I did not do it.
When I play sports, I admit that I’m competitive. I love winning, but as long as I’m giving it MY best, I’m happy. When it comes to coaching, however, I tell the kids it’s all about having fun and doing their best. I don’t care if they win or not, but giving hugs and drying those tears when they get the 2nd, 5th or 12th place ribbon instead of the 1st place medal is heartbreaking. Especially at equestrian because a lot of the times the kids did everything right and the horse just didn’t cooperate!
It’s a good thing, all the competition! In an ideal world we’d be able to run competitive and non-competitive sports alongside and get the best of both worlds, but really I think team sport is the one arena in education where kids still get a tough, hard learning experience. Because academic kids don’t always come out tops for once, and some of the kids who struggle in the classroom finally get a chance to really shine…. I think both groups NEED that. It must be hard to watch as a parent though.
I was top of the class at everything else, and I firmly believe I needed to be crap at something, and it was sports. It’s put me off team sports forever, but I’m still physically active and I work in fitness now, so hey! There is hope!
Girls weren’t allowed to play soccer at my school! This was the only sport I was any good at as a tot, so maybe that explains a lot,,,
Px
This: “I was top of the class at everything else, and I firmly believe I needed to be crap at something, and it was sports.” is so me too!! LOL. And what kind of school did you go to that wouldn’t let girls play soccer?!
Team sports as a kid nearly turned me off to athletics and sports in general for life. I hated the pressure and I hated any sport involving a ball hurling toward me. I have two boys now, one loves team sports and one hates them and I respect their feelings. One plays soccer, one doesn’t. What you describe with your 7-year-old is evidence of the trend for sports to get WAY too serious WAY too young! At age 8, our soccer programs split off to “Rec” and “Academy”. The difference is Rec kids play other Rec kids all within town, while Academy kids feel the need to drive 5 hours and spend whole weekends playing 8-year-olds from other towns. The splits is not by ability level, it’s who can afford to travel and who’s lives revolve around their kids completely. My kid plays Rec. Sorry. I’ve probably ruined his chances for a college soccer scholarship, oh well!!! Why do kids sports programs set out to consume a child at such a young age? Let them sample, dabble, have room to try a few different things!! (Sorry for the rant, but I’m with you!!)
Yes, we’ll be sticking with rec as well. I’m also fine with my kids changing sports too after each session.
This question does not compute. There was no kids’ soccer when I was growing up. There weren’t even any sports for girls, only cheerleading. Hey, we were finally allowed to wear pants on Fridays when I was in 12th grade. (Public school in S California, not Catholic school.) What can I say, I grew up in medieval times.
I tend to tune out when people talk about their kids’ accomplishments. Everyone thinks his kid is a genius and an artist and a super sports star.
I’m speechless. Only cheerleading? No pants?? That’s just crazy. Wow things have come along way in just a generation!
Both of my boys (9 & 7) played house league soccer this past season and I coached my younger son’s U8 team. We don’t keep score and there aren’t standings or playoffs. It’s supposed to be about having fun, getting some exercise, and getting better at the game.
I coached my team with the goal of having every kid play every position as evenly as possible and getting kids even playing time. I think we won 2 games and tied another. We had one kid who was really good, a couple of others that were good, and then we had a bunch of kids that were first year players or were average to below average.
I think it might have annoyed my assistant coach and some of the parents that I was really calm and quiet on game days (I want the kids to figure out what to do on their own and not just take cues from the coaches) and that I didn’t overtly play to win.
I think the kids had fun. But, kids also keep score and like to win. It was tough for me when we lost a bunch of games in a row and the boys were getting discouraged.
But, they liked the parents-kids game and the pizza party when we handed out trophies.
And the whole politics and nasty words and the like isn’t just youth soccer. It’s most youth sports. I think ice hockey is waaaaaay worse than soccer from what I’ve experienced both as a kid growing up and what my older son went through last year.
Parents need to realize that in all likelihood their kid is only going to end up playing Intramural sports in college and not get a D1 scholarship.
Even the NCAA knows it with the ad campaign about how most of their athletes “go pro” in stuff other than sports!
I did not play soccer (or any sport) except when forced to in gym class.
We used to have badminton rackets around the house when I was growing up and we would go out in the yard and bat the birdie back and forth just for fun. No keeping score, no net, just playing. When Husband and I bought our house the previous owners left a lot of junk behind, including some badminton rackets. When I suggested to Husband that it would be fun to go out and play, he was all “we don’t have a net, we can’t play properly,” yada yada yada….He’s the competitive type, I’m just in it to have fun.
No soccer here. I don’t think I’ve ever played, including in PE.
I did play slow pitch softball for a few years. We never took it that seriously but, yes, I was still the worst player on the team. I don’t think we won a single game but we didn’t really care. We kind of relished the fact that we were huge losers 🙂
I don’t like team sports but I don’t think it’s because I was worried about winning or losing or even playing badly. I just don’t like to work in groups 🙂
I was raised to be very competitive and I believe I would never have reached my level of accomplishment if I wasn’t. However, I learned to rein it in and just play for the fun of it all. I like myself better that way.
I guess it all depends on what team sports were like for us as kids. As the uncoordinated, always-picked-last-for-any-team kid, I HATED competitive sports! I still do! I played ONE game of softball for my theater company’s (!) team, and hated every second of it. And these were theater folks, lol!
I learned teamwork and discipline in other activities, and it has served me well. Just as not all kids are great academics, not all kids will enjoy athletics. Thankfully I had music and drama at school, or Lord knows where I’d be! 🙂
I grew up playing a few sports competitively outside of school, and I can’t really ever imagine playing in a non-competitive league, because I definitely play to win. I was such a mardy little so-and-so if we lost (still am, actually!), so there were definitely some downsides, but I enjoy some friendly competition.
There’s nothing wrong with a band scholarship 😀 I think I made it through approximately 3 soccer practices and decided I did not like being kicked in the shins. At the ripe old age of six, I had been through enough! However, being in band paid for lots of my college, and helped me find a career. What’s not to love about a team where nobody ever sits out?
First year I played soccer as a kid my team was first place, and I loved it. The following year my team was in last place and suddenly I didn’t like soccer so much, so yeah, I guess winning was important to me. I’m better now that I’m older, but let’s be honest – it’s still just a bit more fun when you win! I play sand v-ball weekly with a bunch of other moms, we have been playing together for probably 5 years now and have lost plenty of games, but still look forward to playing!
And about the soccer – I wish I would have stuck with it instead of quitting after that 2nd year. I didn’t go back to it until high school, and had to work my way up the ranks, while a girl who played on my team with me way back when we were kids had continued to play all the way through, scoring a starting spot on varsity freshman year.
I agree with what someone else said about letting kids “dabble” – I think they need to be exposed to a variety to find out what they really like, and you hear so much about kids developing injuries from over-use of specific muscles, etc from playing the same sport so much from an early age. My 8 year old daughter has had a season of soccer, a season of flag football (yes, she was the only girl in the entire league), several years of recreational gymnastics, and volleyball camps. Going into three years now, her long term activity has been Irish dancing, which she told everyone at school IS a sport! 😉
Eh, I don’t think competitiveness is a bad thing; nobody is the best at everything, and it’s silly to pretend that they are. I played volleyball in middle school and was terrible at it. I got put on the “C” team (for crap, I guess). But I figure it’s okay to experience things you’re not good at, even if it does cause tears at the time. It helps you realize that even if you’re bad at one thing, it doesn’t mean you’re bad at everything, which I think is important.
That said, I do get competitive in the sports I play now, although they’re all individual sports. I don’t compete to win, but I compete against friends and myself to do well. I’m not sure if I decided I like individual sports because I played volleyball in middle school, or if it’s just because I don’t like people in general, but I’m inclined to believe it’s the latter.
The perk of growing up in a tiny town is we all played all the sports or we souldn’t have a team. The downside was our teams usually sucked…I enjoyed vollyball and baseball, but the rest of it I didn’t care for one way or the other. I mean me and basketball? Laughable. 🙂
The thing I did enjoy was that altho we were encouraged to try and win, the fun of it came from playing a game with my firends and running around. I wasn’t in shape as a kid at all, but I was pretty good backcatcher and vollyball player…akes me wish I’d tried harder. The only sport I didn’t play as I got older was soccer and broomball…I just wasn’t i nshape for it.
I think it’s a shame when noncompetitive leagues still make kids feel inferior. Not everyone can be a good player at everything. The less time you spend thinking about how you’re not good at something, the mroe chance you ahve of having fun and being more active…
Now that I”m in shape I’d like to join a rec league ov volleyball, soccer or baseball, but the few times I”ve tried it’s been way too competitive. The girls were token players…heaven forbid we were allowed to catch the ball!
Perhaps I’ll have to try it again once I”m done school – I’m thinking of doing bellydance again and adding in intramural soccer…I think it could be fun. It’s kind of why I’m liking boot camp – it’s like fun uncompetitive sports with no rules I have to remember 🙂
sorry typos galore 🙂
I also agree with letting kids dabble with different sports to determine on their own what they like and discover what they’re naturally good at.
My boyfriend’s son, who is seven, has tried wrestling, karate, bowling, football, soccer, t-ball/baseball, gymnastics (his idea!) and swimming lessons. He loves soccer and learned he liked baseball better than t-ball. He’s not a fan of wrestling, karate or gymnastics, but he’s never been pushed to do any of it and can stop after a season if he chooses. Oh, and he wants to try a kid’s fun run after he and his dad took pictures of me running my 4 miler in June. Cute!
I never played sports as a kid… I play roller derby now, and we definitely play to win! But our team decided to be competitive. There are plenty of recreational leagues out there too…
And I probably wouldn’t be cut out to be a soccer mom either… I just keep thinking about the major hissy fit I’d be throwing if my (imaginary) kid wasn’t allowed to play in a game that is in what’s supposed to be a non-competitive league. How’s he supposed to gain those skills if he’s not given the opportunity?!
I can’t even bring myself to read past the first line, with its reference to fall. I’m burying my head in the sand in the hopes the sun stays forever.
I’ve played sports my entire life and I’m super competitive. As a super competitive person, losing can be difficult. When I was younger this general meant crying, giving my mom the silent treatment and even some temper tantrums (which I’m not very proud of).
But losing has also taught me something. It taught me that sometimes there will just be days that you won’t succeed but that you shouldn’t give up. It has taught me to perserver even in the face of adversity. I know it sounds cheesy – but sports and competition really do build your character.
While I do think we can play sports for enjoyment, I think that anyone who says they aren’t competitive and that they don’t care if they win, is lying to him or herself. If you worked hard, how could you not want to know that all that hard work paid off?
Lol that picture cracks me up in a butt cracking kinda way. I’m kinda competitive so honestly, I’m all for it. But, I also dont have any sweet kiddies tearing up In front of me changing my mind… So my thoughts could change. I heart soccer though 🙂
I played team sports when I was younger & always felt stressed. I understand the need for competitiveness to make people get better BUT with some of the junk we see on TV with parents & coaches going crazy, even with the little little ones is too much. The reason I love the gym & the things I do is it is just me & I don’t have to worry about other team players that only care about winning & don’t care about having fun – by this I mean just playing team sports for fun. Nowadays, it is too crazy for me… I don’t play team sports.
I never played soccer. I was too busy running cross-country, oh, and bowling. I love bowling for it’s team mentality. Young kids bowling leagues are handicap, so it doesn’t matter your ability. Everyone bowls and everyone’s scores counted.
Oh yes, I am competitive. To continue my bowling theme comment (!), I wanted to turn pro, so I bowled 4 times a week, and later (as an adult), bowled on men’s leagues (to compete against my average (200) or better).
The only thing I would request from my child is if you join a team sport, you can’t quit during the season.
Ok, I’m done rambling.
The whole topic of team sports and grade school brings back such horrible flashbacks! I sucked at every sport I was forced to try, since I am, and have always been, a big, gangly klutz–oh, also easily distracted. In high school, I was delighted when we moved to school that allowed options like running, weights and swimming for PE, so I could exercise without the threat of impending disgrace. I also discovered that, with no fear of public taunting, I even enjoyed working out and was pretty good at it! Competitiveness to that degree (where people who aren’t very good are humiliated for it) might be helpful for some kids, but can ruin sports forever for others.
Maybe I just had bad luck, but I think it might be symptomatic of how seriously sports are taken in schools here. Actually, look at the adulation that professional athletes receive, so the whole society. As a comparison, I spent my senior year of high school in Japan as an exchange student and joined the kendo (Japanese fencing) club. Of course everyone cared about winning but it was a very different environment. The clubs were voluntary, anyone could join, and the emphasis was on the whole team and camaraderie. It was fun, but not taken anywhere near as seriously as sports at home.
Not everyone played soccer when they were a kid. I’d never even heard of kids’ soccer until I was 23. Title IX was implemented when I was a senior in high school and they were forced to add two team sports to the curriculum. Those were track and basketball. We already had tennis and volleyball. I already played tennis, but I went out for track too because I loved to run. Unfortunately, the girls’ track coach was also the boys’ track coach and he had absolutely NO interest in the girls’ team, even though I ran the mile in 4 min 12 sec after a couple of weeks of practice.
Back in the dark ages when I was age 4-14, there were no organized sports for girls. At least not in my small town. However, when I was in high school (that was grade 10 then), and could finally join my first sports team, I wasn’t very competitive. I wanted to play, but I wasn’t any good, and the school didn’t have a good tennis coach until I was in 11th. THEN, I began to learn how to really play and became very competitive.
Fast forward 20 years when my 2nd born was 7 and signed up for a recreational soccer league. We (as a family) were blessed that the father, who signed up to coach the team for his daughter, wanted it to be a good experience for every girl, wanted them to learn the game, and to learn good sportsmanship. It was a great experience for 6 years when his daughter decided to quit playing and he quit coaching. A lot of the better players had moved on to club teams in the previous few years, so when the team disbanded, my dd tried out for some clubs also, even though she was perfectly happy playing rec. Try outs were an eye-opening experience, the coaches were fairly callous and when she was offered contracts from a couple of teams, she wasn’t sure she really wanted to play even though she was intensely competitive at the rec level.
But she signed with one team and it was a really frustrating year. She didn’t get a lot of play time, got yelled at a lot, and she went back to rec after that. She decided that school was stressful enough (9th grade at the time) and she wanted soccer to be fun. She played with 3 rec teams before she found one that fit.
So maybe that’s what you could do with your oldest son. I personally think they have enough going on in their young lives that they shouldn’t be expected to play like high school athletes when they are 6 years old.
I graduated from high school in ’72, the year Title IX was passed. In FL before Title IX, girls could cheer, play tennis, and swim. I swam. With three kids, our family has participated in almost every sport offered at our high school. They even did sports like cycling, rugby and bowling which are not HS sanctioned sports. All three swam in HS. My eldest (24) is my most competitive. She chose to swim D3 at an academically tough college because swimming is her passion. Academics became the goal, swimming the release. My middle (22) played drums in bands in HS and in college. No college sports, but he was/is at the gym most days. Drumming is the release. My youngest (16) gave up lax, but not bowling, to swim year round. He hopes to swim in college.
It’s really hard to know what’s best for our kids – especially when they’re boys – even when they tell us how they (think) they feel. In my opinion, boys get the short sticks in this world. When I was in school, everything tilted in favor of boys. It’s the opposite today. Especially when it comes to empowered girls VS milder mannered boys. My boys are smart, talented, and athletically above average. But they don’t have a competitive bone in their bodies. Occasionally a really special coach or teacher has really inspired them and lit their fires. Each played on highly competitive teams, hockey for the elder and soccer for the younger.
Because he was so confident on the ice, the local football coach recruited him to play on the youth league team. He excitedly joined the team never having played, much less watched football. Each time he got the ball, he cowered in fear and could hardly run. Taking off his skates was like hacking off Samson’s hair. It was really hard to watch his fear and his confidence wane. But he wouldn’t quit. The team continued its undefeated winning streak after that without him on the sidelines all through the final championship game in the dome as eighth graders. He was, however, cheering in the stands. He never played organized American football again, until he decided to try his hand at Rugby! While cleaning his room when he was about 13, he decided to let go of some of his gazillion trophies. Most were awarded just for being on the team, others for actual achievements on one team or another. One by one he placed the participation trophies in the toss box. When he picked up the football trophy, he sadly said that he probably should have dumped this one a long time ago. Taken back, I asked him why he wanted to toss the only trophy he had fought so hard to earn. Confused, he asked me what I meant. I told him that while most of the boys were more accomplished football players than he, not a one worked harder or had to overcome the fear factor like he had to do. I told him that in my humble opinion perseverance, fortitude, tenacity, and courage were the reasons one truly earns a trophy. I told him that of all the sports he had played up to that very moment, he never had to dig down that deep inside of himself to play the game. I told him how very proud I have always been of him and how my buttons popped with pride each time I dropped him off at the field and watched him run to join the team because I knew how much it was costing him to keep showing up.
My youngest mentioned not too long ago that he was glad he decided to stop playing soccer because he was so bad. I reminded him that he had to be decent enough because he always was plucked to play on competitive travel teams. He was shocked. He said he thought he stunk at soccer so he switched to lax. Between you and me – his gift was not in lacrosse. Thankfully, he got the swimming gift, too. More importantly, he has a passion for it.
What all this means to me?
We’ve got to trust God and our guts. We cannot shield our precious babies from all things bad. But even when we think we know what our children are thinking, we might not. Make home the safe place. Even bad experiences are fruitful when good lessons are learned and Godly virtues become strong.
I’m sorry I’ve gone on and on! Maybe I need my own blog?!?
I forgot to say that that football trophy has made the cut every year. It’s displayed alongside one or two other hard fought trophies he has EARNED over the years.
I wonder if I am your surprisingly dedicated reader in Singapore? I’m actually in Australia, but the same time zone as Singapore. Also I usually read through Google Reader so not sure you get the stats from there. And it’s soccer here too – football = Australian Rules.
I’m not sure – my stat counter just shows me a little world map that’s colored to show where most of my readers are. And there is one teeny little dot right on Singapore, lol! But either way thankyouthankyouthankyou for reading the GFE – that means a lot to me!
You play competitively to have fun, that means if you are steam rolling the oppostion, you need to shake up the teams or handicap your self. Also, find a sport that you are moderately good at but that you can improve at and have fun. It also helps if your teammates are dedicated to helping you get better, or at least dedicated to having fun. That’s what I have enjoyed as an adult playing pick up sports is the opportunity to socialize and improve my skills, while not worrying about getting a medal or finishing last.
I never played soccer and am utterly awful at anything resembling a team sport and get anxiety if I have to play BUT I don’t think there is anything wrong with keeping score and winning and losing. I think the problem is reinforcing self-worth of 7 year olds through winning or losing a soccer game. Did they have fun? Are they learning? If the answer is yes, then keep on playing. It’s ok if you lose but it’s important to know that you lost too. Otherwise how will you have impetus to get better?
…I’m so divided on this.
On one hand,
I think it’s *incredibly* valuable for children to learn to both win AND fail graciously.
On the other,
I don’t think it’s a good idea to force a child into participating in an activity that he or she hates.
Or to push them to succeed where they genuinely cannot.
You also don’t get professional athletes/musicians/dancers/NASA engineers by letting children just go with the proverbial flow.
Surely it ends up being about balance?
Or something like that?
Love the article. I play in a kickball team and the league decided to separate divisions this season:
Recreation vs. Competitive
Below is a snippet of an e-mail we all received:
So, most of you heard about our move to split the league into two separate divisions to incorporate a new rules for those teams that focus more on fun and less on competition – after all, this is a social event. The table below highlights the teams that will be playing in the Competitive versus the Recreational groups. These groups will play one another throughout the regular season – when the end of season tournament comes around, those designations will go away and it will be a free-for-all, so the best team wins.
I play to win- it is in my nature.
Maybe for just have fun. That is I wanted for, is to have fun.