Um… what is a yob?? No seriously, I have no idea.
“Nooooo!” Jelly Bean shrieked, ripping her sock off for the twentieth time that morning. As I watched her carefully select another sock and pull it on – only to be frustrated yet again when the seam in the toe didn’t line up exactly how she likes it to – it brought up some powerful emotions in me. Where others may see a typical 2-year-old tantrum (and perhaps it is?), I saw myself reflected in her intense expression, tongue peeking out as she tried, again, to bend the sock to her will. A small thing becomes an enormous thing: The story of my life.
Have you ever paid attention to the toe seam in your sock? Some are flat, some are ridged, some make little puckers at the corners of the toe, some aren’t even a seam at all but just a color and a change in the direction of the weave. Confession: I very often change my clothes half a dozen times or more on any given day. I wish I were being hyperbolic. I am very particular. For instance, I own seven different white t-shirts – crew neck, scoop neck, cap sleeve, hip length, tight-fighting, loose… – because I can’t wear layers unless everything is perfectly lined up and flat. Part of this is vestigial eating disorder behavior (it’s very common for ED’d people to keep trying on outfits looking for the one that doesn’t make them “look fat”) but a lot of it is that if I have on a crew neck tee under a scoop neck sweater it will bother me all stinking day. (And yes, I realize I have just invited all my friends to ask my how many times I’ve changed my outfit that day every time they see me. I’ll save you the time: At least 3.)
I can’t remember the first time I realized that I feel things more strongly than most people. For as long as I can remember I have felt different – I have described it for years as “walking around with my skin on inside-out.” In 5th grade I was in the bathroom when a group of boys turned off the lights as a prank. While all the other girls giggled, I panicked. It’s not that I was afraid of the dark or even of the boys but rather that I deeply, intensely dislike surprises. By the time I made my way out of the bathroom I was shaking so hard I had to go to the nurse’s office – I felt like my teeth would rattle out of my head. It was a feeling I would grow to know very well.
In my teens I was known for being an angsty drama queen – not unusual for a teenage girl but I managed to take it to a high art. I can’t count how many times I heard, “Why are you making this such a big deal?!” By college I’d figured out that other people weren’t bothered as easily as I was and that I needed to tone it way down. So I learned how to channel my intense emotions into less annoying behaviors but there was a cost to keeping them inside, a cost to being socially acceptable. My feelings turned inward, I went through a horrible period of IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), eating disorders, anxiety, depression and really bad relationships.
As an adult I’ve come to a happier medium, finding friends that I can emote to (Gym Buddy Allison, my sister and my husband put up with a lot) and activities (like exercise!) that take off some of the psychic pressure. (Yes, what you see now is me at like 50% volume.) And yet. I still can’t be in a restaurant with background music without wanting to crawl out of my skin. I can’t focus on what people are saying to me if there are lyrics in the background. I hear every word. I see every picture on the wall. I notice the pattern in the carpet. People think I’m being spacey because I can’t remember what they told me 30 seconds ago but it’s because I simply cannot tune any of the noise out.
It’s not just restaurants either. I hate fans because I can’t stand the feel of the wind on my skin – it makes me prickle and feel nauseous. I can’t be in a room with a flickering light. I can’t sleep if the DVD player is turned on even if the TV is off because I can hear the whirring. I keep the radio on nearly 24/7 because the noise blocks all the other noises I can’t tune out on my own. And people think I’m just being precious when I say that I can’t handle horror movies but the truth is that I have a deeply visceral reaction to violence and I won’t be able to shake it for days, years even. The hardest part for me has been realizing that often I love people way more than they can love me back.
I can’t not feel any of it. It’s overwhelming. And it’s exhausting.
All of which makes me sound like an incredible pill to be around. I don’t think that’s true (although real-life friends, feel free to disillusion me) because I’ve learned ways to mitigate it. I’m good at keeping most of my thoughts inside and often I’ll take my social cues from others around me. If I feel upset and they’re not then I try and talk myself down. I know how to escape (hint: crossword puzzles in my dimly lit bedroom, I’m such a nerd) and how to use yogic breathing when I can’t escape. This doesn’t always work and I’m betting most of my friends and family would run out of fingers to count on before they ran out of experiences to which I have overreacted but here’s the thing: it’s not all bad.
It turns out that there is a whole segment of the population – 15-20% according to one researcher – who have their skin inside out like I do. (And it’s thought to be hereditary which makes perfect sense if you’ve ever met my dad. I love you Dad!) As kids we’re called “spirited” or “orchid children” (a reference to how persnickety orchids are about their conditions but once you get it right no flower is more beautiful). As adults we’re called, simply, “highly sensitive people.” This sensitivity that can be such a curse (see: first 18 years of my life) can also be an incredible gift.
HSPs have “wonderful imaginations, are often very intelligent, creative, curious, and are known for being very hard workers, great organizers and problem solvers. They are known for being extremely conscientious and meticulous. HSP are blessed with being exceptionally intuitive, caring, compassionate and spiritual. They are also blessed with an incredible aesthetic awareness and appreciation for nature, music and the arts. There is also a strong correlation between the trait of high sensitivity and being “Gifted.” (They are also apparently blessed with a love of the superlative!)
I have to say it was a huge relief to learn that I wasn’t the only person who feels like this. My sister – who has a daughter that is a HSP – told me to go look up the information about it and as I read through the list of characteristics it was like someone had peered into my brain. (I love that they point out that being highly sensitive is not a disorder or an illness – it’s just a character trait that can be good and bad.) You can read the full list here but some of my personal faves:
“You feel compelled to file and organize things and thoughts, also enjoy simplicity and may become overwhelmed or even immobilized by chaos, clutter, or stress. ”
“You are very conscientious, hard working, and meticulous, but may become uncomfortable and less efficient or productive when being watched or scrutinized.”
“You are very uncomfortable when feeling things are getting out of your control.” (Control freak? Me??)
” You may experience mood swings, sometimes occurring almost instantly and can also be affected by other people’s moods, emotions and problems. ” (Dear friends, I’m sorry.)
“You get a sense of comfort and well being when around a lake, river, stream, the ocean, or even a fountain. ” (But only if my kids aren’t around because then I’m too busy freaking out about them drowning.)
“You have a deep, rich, inner life, are very spiritual, and may also have vivid dreams.” (I’ve always had very vivid dreams.)
Other things include being very sensitive to pain (holla!), startles easily (I will pee), avoids violent tv and movies (like the plague!), and has a deep appreciation of nature, the arts and music (well, thank you).
Honestly I’m not sure what to make of all this. Am I anxious because I am an HSP? Or am I an HSP because I’m anxious? (Or is this just me being a hypochondriac?) And what am I to do next? Or is it enough to just know this about myself? I’ve already requested Dr. Elaine Aron’s The Highly Sensitive Person
Are any of you highly sensitive people too? Do you know anyone like this? Have any advice for me? Or does this finally convince you that I am completely nuts?? And can someone please tell me what a yob is so I know if I can use it in polite conversation?
Thanks for posting this today… I needed to read this to remind myself that I’m not a freak. 🙂
Nope, you’re not a freak!
I agree, Karen! Reading this was like a breath of fresh air… good reminder that it isn’t ALL mental, some of us really are more sensitive! Thanks, Charlotte. Just another affirmation of why I continue reading and love GFE!
Have we talked about this on email??!!!
I was *just* emailing a friend about HSP stuff yesterday. I am a HSP and figured it out about 10 years ago after the gift of Elaine Aron’s books fell into my lap. Seriously..changed.my.life. Helped me understand who I am, why I am this way, that other people are this way, too; that I am not weird (safety in numbers, LOL) but really just gave me the ability to put my finger on a lifetime of nuances that all just finally clicked and made sense.
I am also raising a HSP and her book on The Highly Sensitive Child is amazingly detailed, i.e. if you have a HSP child and you’re a HSP parent (or you’re a parent to a HSP kid but you’re not a HSP yourself) and your child is in this situation, you want to do x not y. THAT is the kind of info that is so helpful.
I love this post; forgive me if we’ve emailed about this…about 2 years ago, I was emailing with like 4 bloggie friends all within a similar timespan and helping them understand HSP stuff based on what I knew.
I could write a book here..
🙂
Actually no I don’t think we’ve ever talked about this. I’m excited to read this book! I wonder if there are a higher concentration of HSPs in the blogging population;)
There is a study (from 2007 – so still current enough that you could still reference it and not be called out by Psychologists) that looks into the personality traits common amongst bloggers. They found that there are more women bloggers and the main difference (personality wise) was that women who are higher in openness and neuroticism had a MUCH (statistically significant) higher likelihood of being a blogger versus those with low in neuroticism . There was no change in men, however.
(Who blogs? Personality predictors of blogging
Rosanna E. Guadagno *, Bradley M. Okdie, Cassie A. Eno
Department of Psychology, University of Alabama, P.O. Box 870348, Tuscaloosa, AL 35487-0348, United States)
Neuroticism and openness indeed! Fits me perfectly. 🙂
Ok, I’m slightly shocked now. This description fits me far too well. I can’t even count the occasions when I’ve been called a ‘Drama Queen’, it’s actually become my middle name.
As a child, I somehow sensed that I was different, my feelings were way too intense and I was very sensitive. But I chose a different path: I avoided human interactions and turned to heavy metal music and horror movies, in an effort to ‘desensitize’. It kind of worked, for a while, but I also developed a severe depression and a really bad habit of emotional overeating.
When I met and fell in love with my husband, my protective shell broke, and I was overwhelmed by my emotions. At first, things were tough, both for me and for him, but after a while I learned how to live with those emotions. I still cry or get upset at the drop of a hat, but I’ve found a few effective coping strategies.
What surprised me the most was that I can’t watch horror movies anymore, even though I used to love them as a teen!
P.S. Movies about war are even worse! They make me cry, shiver, and give me nightmares!
So interesting!! Your reaction makes total sense though. And I totally agree about war movies. I couldn’t even watch Lord of the Rings with my husband because of the war scenes and that’s fictional, lol!
Well, I looked up yob. Can’t say it made me understand the word that much better. O.o
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/yob
See – this is what I’m saying! I looked it up too and was like…eh?
Yob is a thug, an uncouth person. Very British! See also: chav, yoof,.
Someone needs to give my Mum Averie’s book on how to deal with HSP children, it’s the root of endless family rows.as I’m firmly in that 15-20%,. I’m wondering if the bit about not working as well under scrutiny links into my mahoosive problem with authority? *bristles as boss walks past*
Px
“I’m wondering if the bit about not working as well under scrutiny links into my mahoosive problem with authority?” Interesting – I don’t really know. But now I don’t know if I can wait for the library to get this book in!
I wouldn’t say that I am an HSP, but I can relate to some of the characteristics. I am very tuned in to other people’s emotions and have a hard time separating my own from theirs. For example, if my husband is driving in traffic and starts to even feel stressed out or angry, my stress levels go through the roof. We realized that this happens early on in our marriage and it’s a constant source of conflict. He feels like he should be able to express however he’s feeling to me and I think that’s selfish. I can be in a great mood and then he gets angry at some political thing and I feel angry at him for being angry. We just talk about it a lot and he tries to tone down his emotions at times.
At least you guys have figured it out! I know a lot of couples who have this dynamic but don’t realize where it comes from…
Yob (also yobbo) = lout, hoodlum; uncouth, loud and inconsiderate person.
Also very Australian! Closely related to the bogan (for American friends, refer “white trash”). Can easily be identified as will usually be carrying a beer and pack of cheap cigarettes, while scratching his nether regions through his sagging tracksuit pants, or running his hand through his greasy mullet ‘do.
I’m sorry, but I’m far too much of an HSP to respond further to the other aspects of your post in any sort of rational or constructive way…
Ah redneck or white trash, yes! And rofl!
I have nothing to add commentwise—but wanted to express my awe again at how YOU express yourself.
Im more a bullmastiff (highhigh pain threshold and need to be MORE sensitive)—does that mean if mushed together we finally become that ever elusive normal boring middle of the road?!
Haha yes – a twofer!
OK, once again I’m convinced we are the same (highly sensitive) person! I just blogged about this, and I just started reading “The Highly Sensitive Person.” I’ve also reserved a copy of “The Highly Sensitive Child.”
I’m glad you see the positives in who you are, because they are many!
There’s one glaring difference with me, however: I’m completely DISorganized. Oh sure, I LIKE organization, I just HATE having to be the one to do it. I also avoid violent TV and horror movies. Even thrillers. Heck, I often even have to avoid the news.
The thing that puzzles me the most is that, quite often, the criticism for being “too sensitive” comes from others who are highly sensitive. At least it does for me. Some of my harshest critics were the very people who, by their behavior, taught me my mine. So it felt a bit schizophrenic: do as I say, not as I do. There were a ton of mixed messages. I’ve also paid the price physically while trying to be more socially “acceptable.”
I’ve said it before, but I think it bears repeating: having 2 kids with autism has made me a better person. I was in danger of repeating the mistakes from my own upbringing until it became impossible to do so. My kids simply cannot do what is expected of other kids. Not in the same way or in the same time, at least. It has forced me to deal with them on THEIR terms, not mine. It’s also forcing me to let go of perfection and to care less about what other people think. I know my kids are brilliant and amazing. If others don’t see that, it’s their loss.
It also means that sometimes, in the middle of all the craziness of the day, I need to stop and give them hugs.
And give one to myself, while I’m at it.
“It also means that sometimes, in the middle of all the craziness of the day, I need to stop and give them hugs.
And give one to myself, while I’m at it.” I love you, Alyssa:) I need to go to your blog now and read your stuff on this! We always seem to be going through the same stuff at the same time!
Reading this was so eye opening (and a little scary as well)! It was like you were writing about MY life and not yours! I kept thinking “how does she know ????” For all of my life (well as long as I can remember) people, friends, family, “others” have always said “you’re too emotional” …”you need to just deal with it”…and any other number of “helpful” suggestions and all the while I’m left thinking there has got to be SOMETHING wrong with me. I am SO going to get this book from the library!
Thank you SO much for writing this, and everything else you do….I find you such an inspiration!
Always,
Jennifer
So glad it could help you too! It was a real eye opener for me too:)
I guess I’m the only one here to say that this is definitely NOT me. I’m extremely adept at filtering out extraneous noises/situations to the point of sometimes being oblivious of my surroundings. When other people are upset or freaking about a breach of social niceties, I’ll be the one to say “No big deal, folks, lets get on with our lives.”
Thankfully my husband is a lot like you so it balances out:)
I relate to so much of this. I don’t think anyone ever called me a drama queen, but I was told many times that I was too sensitive and I needed to toughen up (usually by my Mom of all people – I have a feeling she is a lot like this as well and her solution was to ‘toughen’ herself up). My solution was to internalize most things, which I still do. But yes to being affected by the mood/emotions of those around me, I can’t watch horror or extreme violence, I get overwhelmed easily if there’s too much going on, too many people around, and a whole bunch of other things that you listed. I’m still trying to explain to my husband that when we’re sitting in the car and he gets angry at other drivers doing stupid things, it makes me feel bad even though I know it’s not me he’s upset with.
Hmm. I recognise quite a few of the traits you mention in myself. Am I a HSP? It doesn’t really matter to me. It’s not a disease. I wouldn’t even call it a dysfunction. People are different. One fifth seems like a pretty big minority to me, especially since they (as well as everybody else) are probably on a sliding scale. Where does one draw the line? I don’t have any advice but I did want to say this: you seem self-aware, rational and capable. Horror movies are best left to those who can enjoy them.
Sliding scale: agreed. A friend mentioned this makes me sound ADHD and after thinking about it, I answered, “Well I’d say I’m pretty high functioning then!” The q for me in this is not how to change myself but how to work most effectively with my individual strengths and shortcomings.
I think the best person to answer that question is to ask somebody else what they think you are 🙂
Yob = Teenage Hooligan. Of course, if you reverse the letters, it means the same thing.
LOL. I love it. And I love that you know it.
OMG that is so me! For as long as I can remember I’ve always been told that I am too sensitive. That I take too many things to heart. I have over the years grown like you to find that happy medium where things are balanced, but since living here with the in laws my balance has gone away. I have been scared to death of thunder storms (I mean heart pounding out of my chest) (something that hasn’t bothered me since I was a kid). My patience has dwindled down to nothing and I can cry at the drop of a hat.
The only time I can get away from this chaos that has come back in my life is when I am doing my art. I can just shut the world out (I still keep an eye on Sam don’t worry) and produce such beauty on the comp.
Have you ever heard of Sensory Processing Disorders? Because what you are describing is textbook SPD. I don’t know anything HSP, but the very important aspect of SPD is that it is a processing disorder not a characteristic/trait. When you have a sensory processing disorder you body can’t take in information through your senses appropriately, then it can’t compute an appropriate response. The result is you become overwhelmed by sensory things (i.e.: sock seams, background noise, room temperature, etc) and are so focused on those your body can’t balance/handle any other information coming in. Telling someone who has an SPD to “just deal with it” is like telling someone who is drowning to “just relax and breathe”.
Two of my kids (and more than likely myself) have it, they see an Occupational Therapist who helps them develop appropriate coping skills (rather than self-destructive ones). The good news about SPD is that it is treatable once you identify your sensitivities.
I have to get to work so I am typing fast and hope this makes sense!
Interesting! I have heard of that before, especially in regards to one of my children. I wonder what the treatment looks like for adults and if it would be any different than what I’ve learned to do on my own?
This is interesting – I wonder if there’s an adult version of education for coping skills? I’m almost 30 and lord knows I could still use some.
The thing is you’re not just a highly sensitive person. As the name implies you’re sensitive, which isn’t a bad thing — does it make regulating emotions difficult? Yes. But is it bad.. no. I say this because it means you’re also caring and compassionate – I feel confident saying this based upon what I read here (and I read often) AND the fact that sensitive people usually extend that sensitivity to those around them.
Oh and I definitely relate, as feeling things incredibly strongly has been something that I’ve struggled with dealing with (the paragraph including, “My feelings turned inward,” pretty much has summed up my past 10 years of life)… and still do. Because you care so deeply about things that it literally can hurt inside (and that’s a hard thing to convey… to anyone).
“Because you care so deeply about things that it literally can hurt inside (and that’s a hard thing to convey… to anyone).” YES. Exactly. And thank you for the reminder to include the “just” in that description:)
Aron’s books are definitely in my toolbox, along with books about giftedness (I had a counselor who definitely felt that being “gifted” wasn’t so much about IQ, but about being a HSP–which, I hasten to add, isn’t a brag–I often wish I was “normal”) and ADHD. And my Meyers-Briggs letters: INFP (when I read that this type is only 1% of the population, I said “No wonder!”–I’ve always felt out of step with society, and I know it isn’t all because I was raised by wolves.) There is definitely overlap between all these “conditions”. I don’t have the physical sensitivities so much, but it is impossible for me to “hear” on the phone, especially a cell phone, when there is *any* conversation around me. And yes, I had my hearing checked–it’s fine. Meanwhile, my Apergerish friend admits to having trouble with clothing labels and other such things as a child, and he can’t handle violent movies (he has to cover his eyes during any bodily harm)–again there is overlap. I can’t wait until they find the “Theory of Everything” and/or society learns to deal with those of us who are different.
I think the most important thing I learned is to take a break and regroup *before* I get overwhelmed. I’m on the fine line that Aron describes of needing stimulation but being overwhelmed by it. So my ADHD is all about “What am I missing? I want spectacle, I want noise and people and visual stimuli!” meanwhile my HSP part is fixing to have a meltdown (formerly, temper tantrum, currently, needing to flee from the supermarket or retreat and not talk to anybody for days). For example I attend an annual festival that is full of crowds and music and colorful art. If I stay immersed in it, I become a wreck. At some point I need to go to my campsite and just chill, and accept that I absolutely cannot fret about missing something. Kind of like going for a swim and then relaxing in the sun for a while.
Me too!!! “I can’t wait until they find the “Theory of Everything” and/or society learns to deal with those of us who are different.”
Thank you for posting this. It seems strange but your story about JellyBean almost made me cry, because I see myself in that moment. Right now, my body is tensing up as I think about putting on socks. And it seems ridiculous and no one seems to understand but to this day I have to wear my socks inside out, it’s the only solution that doesn’t drive me crazy. So much of this post resonated with me (and while I have an amazing life filled with incredible people), you Charlotte, made me feel like I wasn’t alone.
It’s amazing how much it helps just knowing there are other people like you, isn’t it? And girl, you’re in good company with the socks:)
it really does 🙂
Hmm.. reading that list, I’d say pretty much every one sounded like it would apply to me, but I don’t think that I’m a hypersensitive person. A little sensitive, yes, but I hide it pretty well 🙂
But I can’t help feeling rather cynical with this kind of categorising, when there’s this defined list of traits that people like to put together. It reminds me of the Myers-Briggs personality types, and Enneagram types (which my friend recently introduced me to). There seems to be this very strong desire for people to categorise both themselves and other people and I think it’s all too easy to go down a list of traits and go “that’s so me!”. Sometimes I think it veers a little too much towards astrology and wanting to read into things, that might not be quite as accurate as hoped. Why do people want to label themselves? Does it help them deal with issues? Or is it wanting to belong to a ‘tribe’?
I agree that sometimes people go overboard with the categorizing – some lists are so general that literally everyone comes up as positive for whatever it’s testing – but I think there is usefulness is labels. Labels, when used properly, give us the context to understand ourselves and others, help us identify resources that aid in solving specific problems and lastly, give us a sense of belonging (or at least not being as weird as we think). There is incredible relief in the words “Me too.”
I saw myself in this list. Not in everything…I would LIKE to be organized, but it feels like too big of a task most days. I am not terribly creative..any ideas that I get are from other people. Other than that..yup. Me. So, there you go. Thanks for talking about this.
I’ve done a bit of reading about this, because I find it interesting that some of it definitely applies to me, but some not at all. I’m extremely sensory-sensitive. I absolutely cannot abide by trying to work amidst lots of noise, I also can’t stand the feel of cold air blowing on me, and I love a nice dark room. My husband has learned that after a tough day, I need “decompression” time, when he’s not allowed to make much noise or I snap. Also, I love furniture aimed at those with sensory disorders. Give me a hidden little nook area or one of those hanging chairs, and i’m a happy bunny. However, emotionally and interpersonally, I’m definitely teh opposite of sensitive. I’m a bit of a robot, emotionally, and I don’t think i’ve EVER been called a drama queen.
Two books that I found incredibly helpful in understanding myself: The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron, and The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney. I would recommend both highly for anyone wanting to learn more about these traits.
Thanks for the recs! I’ll add the second one to my list too!
Checking in as a Moderately Highly Sensitive Person! (Former HSP now aging into a little less sensitivity).
I have to remember to celebrate the GOOD things about it; there are plenty if we stop trying to care about being “normal.” It just ain’t an option for me, and what’s so great about normal anyway? And heck, most of my favorite bloggers and writers are HSP’s with various degrees of openness about it. We need an HSP pride movement!
Yes, I think I’m discovering that! I think we’re overrepresented in blogging;) “And heck, most of my favorite bloggers and writers are HSP’s with various degrees of openness about it.”
Um, holy SH**! I’m one too!!! OK, calming down now.
I had no idea there was even a definition for this until I read your post. Thank you for exploring this because it explains so much! Like you, I absolutely refuse to watch horror movies, loud noises make me leap in the air, scream, or both, and I sometimes have the thinnest skin on the planet (someone can look at me wrong and I’ll burst into tears). I’m also learning to control it or, like Crabby McSlacker, I’m just getting older and it’s dying down on its own. I’m going to add your book recommendation to my Amazon list.
This is so me. How come no one ever told me about this? I have seen several doctors who told me that I have anxiety and I can fix these attributes with cognitive behavior therapy but it never works. Then they just tell me it is chemical. I hate crowds but love the crowd at a show of one of my favorite bands aka “kindred spirits”. I instantly relax around water. This is crazy. I too am going to read that book. Thank you!!!
This is me! oh my goodness. I thought I was just weird. THANK YOU SO MUCH for this post! I always found it useful for determining your true friends though…
Indeed, to all of this.
Incidentally, how are you handling the Penn State stuff? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to (clearly). I am just walking around shaky and nauseous and can’t seem to move past it at all. And I don’t know if it’s because my step-son is 9, or if it’s because I’m a new mom, or if it’s just me being sensitive but I’d like to know how other sensitive people are dealing.
You know, honestly, I don’t read/watch it. Anything involving child abuse I avoid. I mean, I know it happens (I don’t live in a box) but I’ve tried to stay away from the details because they’ll stick in my mind to the point where it makes me sick, like you described. There was a case involving horrific child abuse a couple of years ago that to this day I’ll have nightmares about. So if I want to stay functional I try to avoid it. I hate that we live in a world where this kind of thing happens:(
You have just answered so many questions I have had about my “crazy” self! I can’t make it through a church service without crying, or a Publix commercial for that matter. (You know the ones where the family surprised the son who was on call at the hospital, or the one where the older couple makes dinner for the young couple who just moved in next door. . . ) And with three boys and the noise level and chaos in my house makes things crazy for me . . I feel much better now!
Thank you for this post. You are describing my co-workers 3 year old daughter. She has sensory processing issues and her parents are struggling to find information on how to help her. I am going to tell her about the books that have been recommended.
Has your co-worker taken her child to a Pediatric Occupational Therapist? Two of my kids have sensory processing issues and finding a good therapist has been a godsend. OT’s can specialize in different areas, so it is important to find one that likes to work specifically with sensory issues and one that is a Pediatric OT.
Also a book: Sensational Kids: Hope and Help for Children with Sensory Processing Disorder by Ph.D, OTR, Lucy Jane Miller is highly recommended. Totally opened my eyes to what was going on with my kids and how to help. The author is the leader in research on sensory processing disorders.
Thank you for the information. I sent my co-worker this post, but I will make sure to talk to her on Monday regarding your response.
This is really interesting…thanks for sharing all of it. I definitely border on hypersensitive, but not quite to the degree you have described. It is really nice to know there are so many people who can relate. I have noticed that exercise and meditation are a huge help to me for keeping stress and anxiety under control.
True (and embarrassing) story:
I went with friends to see Scream 2 in the theaters. I hate scary movies and television, but it was the only movie playing and it sounded better than staying at home. I was so freaked out after the movie my hands would not stop shaking. As I was driving home my car stalled out, and I was shaking so bad I couldn’t get the car back in gear. A small traffic jam later (I lived in a one horse town) I was able to limp my car back home.
All of this describes me to a “T,” and I wonder if that is why I tended to dull my senses with food. Once I stopped doing that everything came rushing back. I’m still figuring out now to cope, but I’m glad I’m not alone! 😀
You are so amazingly open & honest Charlotte!!!!!!!!!! I doubt I could share like you do! Although I am not like this & never knew it even “a thing to know about”, I could probably use some of those item points you mentioned cause.. although I do have crazy & vivid dreams! :-O
I am raising an orchid boy right now…not so much a deal with the sensory problems (although we have dealt with a severe and persistent feeding disorder), just…everything is more difficult. Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
I have one book to recommend as a general starting point for all parents of orchids: “Raising Your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I know so many parents who swear by this book. It particularly helps parents who are not HSP understand and relate to their HS child. Because once you can understand where they’re coming from–and how that combines where you’re coming from–it makes everything just a bit more manageable.
+1 on the book recommendation. I would go so far as to say that even parents/children who are NOT spirited can benefit from it, simply because it discusses all sorts of traits as simply traits, on a spectrum, without judgement, and how to handle them.
You & I? Are sisters from another mister. I have tears in my eyes right now, because I have spent so much time feeling like no one is as freaky as I am. I thank God to know that there are others like me. Thank you for the reminder.
Thanks for sharing, Charlotte. A close friend recommended me the HSP book earlier this year and it has been hugely transformative in terms of how I think about myself and my comfort level in social situations.
“The hardest part for me has been realizing that often I love people way more than they can love me back.”
This has been a similar struggle for me throughout life… more from the side of the people I care for most pulling away because they don’t have the strong feelings I do.
Glad to know there are more HSPs out there!
Here’s another dimension to consider: http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Willed-Child-Dreamer-Ron-Braund/dp/0785277005/ref=wl_it_dp_o_npd?ie=UTF8&coliid=I348SHCB1DZ7U3&colid=2RS1XCJBTLOG0
I have many of these characteristics, and was a tortured child. Fortunately I no longer have quite the need for control I had then (or at least I can relax about what I know I can’t control) but I channel that into finding out exactly what I CAN control. Got a messy situation? I love to solve those! Weird combination of symptoms? I’m on the case! It channels my energy, but is a whole other kind of obsessive for sure. Ask me when the last time was that I had both an internet connection and a normal bedtime. I seriously don’t remember the answer.
And sadly, you can’t use “yob” in polite conversation. Sorry ’bout that.
Oh my – I have almost all these characteristics as does my eldest daughter. She is very intelligent, very artistic, overly empathetic and cannot tolerate pain, …. Off to read more.
I loved this post! Sharing it with quite a few people. I’m wondering what HSP’s serotonin levels are like. Have you ever had yours measured? I’ve been writing about a couple of products that increase the body’s ability to make serotonin and clinical research has shown how it helps even things out. On the other hand, those with Austism Spectrum Disorder have lots of serotonin circulating in the blood stream but not much in the brain so they have increased anxiety levels. (not that HSP is the same as ASD….lmnop 🙂 <<<<—- that's a lot of alphabet soup!)
Anyhow…just got me to thinking — which is always good and I thank you for it!
Interesting Post.
I am also a highly sensitive person. Today for instance Im hiding in my Mother’s room because I can’t bear the noise coming from the room next to mine. I hurt easily. My mind is more prone to drama. I don’t get over things easily either. In addition to this I am extremely sensitive to other people’s moods. I know when people are lying and being superficial and I even know when they are carrying heavy burdens just by the sound of their voice. On top of this all, I am quite tall, curvy, tattooed, afro haired and an equal opportunity lover.
My whole, entire life I have felt like an outsider. The only difference between feeling like an outsider now and feeling like an outsider then, is that now I feel that because I am an outsider I can actually help people from a place of neutrality. What I am trying to say is I have found it easy to help others because Im inherently not one of them – so to speak.
But you know what. I love me. I love my oddness. I love my way. And better. I super love people who love me. And….I love you too. Because if you werent sensitive in the way that you are, there is no way you could come out with the quality content that you do. Believe me, I follow more than my share of blogs and though many of them are informative and good, your blog is the blog I find really getting to the meat of soul matters in a way that will ultimately benefit me (and for sure others) the most.
So go on with your fine thing Char. Be highly sensitive. Be yourself. It is according to Divine order that you are so and thank goodness you ARE so.
My sister definitely matches with your description!
With all of the disorders and different diagnoses, everything starts running together and sounding so similar: HSP, SPD, and ASD. At what point do we go back to “people are people, even if they process things differently?”
I’m so impatient to comment on this I didn’t even read the comments – unusual for me! Honestly? You had me at sock seams. I purchase brands of socks based solely on the ‘flatness’ of the seam. Seriously. When I’m clothes shopping, I “touch” everything. If I don’t like the feel of it – it doesn’t even get tried on. I am COMPLETELY an HSP. It drives my husband crazy, my co-workers think I’m pretty bizarre, and since I work in the social services field, some co-workers have even asked me if I’ve ever been tested for autism (due to the sensitivities). And it’s not only physical things – I can “feel” when people are stressed, and it stresses me out. I can “feel” the weather pressure change – the bass in a car with a loud radio….even the BLASTING done in the quarry near my home. Movie theaters? Dear god the volume is loud…and distracting. My husband says I’m “sub-sonic” and could probably detect radar given the chance! LOL I love that you talked about this…I definitely felt alone. I’m going to bookmark this, read the comments, check out those websites and books you mentioned….and I hope you post more if you find anything interesting!
Glad to have companions in this!
Yob – it’s a bit hard to put into words. The term is generally directed towards men. Sort of someone who’s two parts idiot and 1/2 part thug, and very low class (I can’t think of a better term – sorry). Sort of like a cross between stereotypical male trailer-trash & red-necks (minus the guns) in the US. A contemptible low sort of person. It is not generally a nice thing to call someone but is sometimes used between friends to say they’ve done something a bit stupid.
Hope this helps 🙂
This is my husband to a tee. I’m pretty level and mellow, so it took a while to settle into, but in a way I envy him for the levels he feels and experiences life at that sometimes I just slide on through. It took w while for him to realize that things that bothered him didn’t always bother me…and sometimes I leave it up to him to correct a lot of things, as they just aren’t a big deal for me. I think it’s all a matter of just learning to let go of some of the details.
I go too far the other way…but that’s what partners are for. Balance 🙂
Fascinating! It’s so interesting to hear this from an adult perspective.
At my son’s school they told us (when he was 2) that he is most likely HSP. He also has had some sensory integration issues that occupational therapy has helped him with.
Reading this helps me to remember how things must feel for him. And it reminds me to be more patient. Thank you!
I’m a sensitive person too! I’ve always hated “noises” and almost always have a tv or radio on to drown out sounds from other apartments. And I almost always wear ear plugs too! 🙂 I have a vivid imagination, but for some reason I’m not bothered by horror movies or violence (on tv).
What I most hate about it is the tendency toward perfectionism (wanting to get things just right). It’s is something that spoils things for me. 🙁
I believe that being sensitive is just a temperament (i.e. biological).
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Surprise surprise but I relate on so many levels. Nature, art, dreams, horror movies…yep. My hubby is forever reminding me I’m highly sensitive. Personally I see it as a good thing…most of the time. 😉 My oldest son is hs too. Just the other day we spent 10 minutes looking at sock toe seams in Walmart. Yes I shop at Walmart. Heck, I’m laying in bed in one of their parking lots right now. Last night the covers were too cold, the light was too bright, then I heard everything and not to mention the horror stories running through my mind. Thankfully we have a loving God who calms and protects us.
Btw I have a DVD Player called Clear Play that allows you to set filters and edits out all sorts of things to the degree you set it to. It’s amazing and soooooo worth the money. (I also can’t watch sex scenes, violence, ect bc I’m so sensitive)
Wow. This is me. I started crying halfway through your article…I could not have identified more strongly. I had the SAME sock problem as your daughter up through about age 10-11, and I identify with so many of the other things you have said. Thank you for helping me feel less alone.
I also believe anxiety and being highly sensitive go hand-in-hand.
I think your article has started me down a better path, one where I start working WITH myself instead of constantly trying to stifle and “be normal.”
Thanks!
Thank you for a great and honest article. I have been an HSP al my life. I use TM, Ayurveda and reiki to help my nervous system.
I think what you said about loving others and they cannot love you back the same way really resonated. I think HSP’s have a deep kind of love in them that is not always understood. It is beautiful but can lead to loneliness.
You are welcome to stop by my website for HSP’s.
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Thanks so much for posting this.. I always thought I was just a very childish person, with childish actions.. I had alot of hurting past, which made me really insecure and a very ‘unsafe’ person. If a family member or friend says a joke to me I take it personally and can be sad for days.. weeks.. months! I have a boyfriend, and he noticed that there is something wrong about me. Now that I read this I understood everything. Everything made sense! I feel more normal now and abit more secure about myself. =) Thank you!
I’m very late to the party here, but I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading this! My oldest daughter and I are both HSPs, and I’ve only really begun to accept that this is the way I am since realizing that she is, too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people tell me to “just relax” or not be “so sensitive!” I’ve gotten much better at dealing with my own HSP nature, but sometimes my daughter and I feed off of each other’s energy, and it can be very stressful. On the one hand, I think it’s good that I intuitively understand how my daughter sometimes feels, but on the other hand, I have a really hard time coping when she starks freaking out about something because I tend to be propelled into my own freak-out.
Are your kids HSPs? Do you find it hard to be around other HSPs?
You know, I do have one child that is for sure an HSP and I’m pretty sure my two-year-old is as well. I know exactly what you mean about “feeding off each other’s energy”!! It is definitely a curse and a blessing to have two (three?) of us in the same house. Fortunately my husband is not an HSP so when my second child puts me through the roof, hopefully he’s around to help us both chill. And yes, after thinking about your q – I do find that most of my friends are not HSPs, lol.
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