I dread the day when this sweet little girl looks in the mirror and sees anything but a gorgeous miracle.
There comes a day in every girl’s life when she realizes that she is not the prettiest princess in the room. I’m not sure exactly when that day was for me but I know I was very young. Having a daughter myself, I can tell you that every girl is born into this world knowing she is the most gorgeous, amazing creature ever. Every body part, including her tummy, is just a body part and something to be examined (and possibly colored on) with delight. Jelly Bean is 4 years old and watching her frolic after bath time tonight assures me that she has not yet lost that fairy magic. But while some of us keep that wonder a bit longer than others – I think having parents who adore every inch of you helps – somewhere between babyhood and girlhood, it’s gone. Extinguished like a candle under a cup. The candle is still there of course but it no longer lights our way.
Before we even learn words like “glass ceiling” or “plastic surgery” we learn two irreconcilable “facts”: 1) That beauty is our currency and 2) That we will never be beautiful enough. And every girl (and let’s be honest, many boys too) then has to decide how to make sense out of this non-sense.
I’ve seen a lot of different reactions to this:
– The pretty girls who are pretty enough and determined enough to try and keep climbing that ladder. Maybe, just maybe, if they workout a little longer, eat less dessert, buy a designer dress, get implants and have just the right hair then they will be rechristened Prettiest Princess Ever. Or at least the prettiest princess in their particular room.
– The average girls who try to make the best of what they’ve got and then fight like crazy to be the smartest, funniest or wittiest instead. (Never realizing of course that these ladders go to the same nowhere as the pretty ladder – no achievement will ever be deemed “enough” either).
– The average girls who try to take themselves completely out of the game. They aren’t much into makeup, hair or clothes. Many (successfully) just try to blend in. Tall poppies get cut down, after all. And you can’t mourn the loss of something you never had, right?
– The girls who rage against the box they’ve been put in by getting mohawks and tattoos, buzz cuts and f*** you attitudes. And yet are still unable to hide the beauty they were born with.
– The girls who are afraid of their own beauty. Many have been abused or bullied. Often their beauty, or lack thereof, was cited as the cause — a way to place the blame for the evil committed against them, on them. Too many believe it.
– The girls that society marginalizes for a variety of “defects”: too fat, too thin, too much nose, too little lip, too pale, too brown, too shy, too talkative, too too.
I’m going to be completely honest: I’ve been all of these girls at different stages in my life and there is heartbreak in every one.
I was reminded of this the other day when I was interviewing a woman whose job is in the beauty industry, for an article. As she was detailing to me all the various services available (for those who can pay) – everything from teeth whitening to laser skin resurfacing to botox – I interrupted her to ask, “Do you ever just stop someone and say, ‘You know, you’re good now! You don’t need anything else!’ ?”
She sounded surprised and then answered, “Well nobody’s perfect. There’s always something else that can be done!”
I replied (and yes I did actually say this), “That is the saddest thing I have ever heard.”
While I know that she was looking at it purely from a an industry standpoint and probably didn’t mean it to be this meta, it still struck me as sad that you could get every treatment that money could buy and you still wouldn’t be beautiful “enough.”
This reminded me of a quote from the British Olympian and cyclist Victoria Pendleton. Pendleton wrote in her column for Zest magazine,
“It still surprises me that we have such a narrow view of what makes women attractive. I’ve been photographed lots of times over the years, but one picture sticks in my mind. I wore a dress that exposed my whole back and when I saw the photo on a screen at the shoot I thought “Wow! My back looks muscly,” and I felt really proud. But, when the picture was printed, my back was smooth and practically muscle free. They’d softened it all and I was so disappointed because I’d put a lot of work into that! I guess, in their opinion, being muscly isn’t that attractive in a woman. But surely if you take a picture of an athlete, you’d expect to see some muscle, wouldn’t you?”
She’s an Olympian. With her own column in a beauty mag. And she’s still not good enough.
So when will we finally be good enough? As long as we let others define us then the answer is a resounding never. But I’m convinced we can relight our candle. First is understanding that we may be able to purchase pretty but beauty cannot be bought. Second is recognizing what makes us feel truly, deeply beautiful – the way we felt when we were two and could stare at ourselves in the mirror for ten minutes without a single judgmental thought.
The other day Jelly Bean asked me, “What makes you so beautiful mommy?” My first reaction was to shush her and say something like oh I’m not but I stopped myself. She deserves a better answer. Instead I answered her, “You do. I love you so much that it makes me light up inside when I see you.” But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how many things make me “light up inside” and truly it’s those things that make me beautiful. And the best part is that this type of beauty isn’t exclusionary because there is no comparison involved. Every single one of is so so beautiful.
What makes me feel truly beautiful:
– When someone’s eyes light up when I walk into a room.
– When I catch myself laughing uncontrollably.
– When I am able to do something for someone else that makes their day a little brighter.
– When I wear a dress that I designed and sewed myself.
– When I feel needed and able to meet that need.
– When my first grader tells me he thinks my “hair stuff looks very stylish”. (Stylish! Where did he learn that?)
– When someone writes to tell me that something I’ve written has made their life better/easier/happier/snort-laughier.
– When I can cry with someone else who is crying and laugh with others who are laughing.
– When I do something really hard. Even if it doesn’t work out the way I intended.
– When I pray. Sometimes I just need to be reminded: He made me beautiful. Everything else is just window decoration.
– When I watch my beautiful children. When I criticize myself, I’m inherently criticizing a piece of them as well. So when they tell me their mother is “the beautifullest”, I try my best to believe them.
None of these can be bought. But all are within my grasp. And when I do these things, I know I am enough.
Jelly Bean hasn’t asked me yet what makes her beautiful but I know that that question is coming. I want to tell her you do. The deep soul you are, the big heart you have and the generous way you live your life is what, in the end, will make you beautiful. No one can give you that beauty and do not let them take away what is rightfully yours. And then I need to look in the mirror and tell myself.
What makes you feel truly beautiful? What makes you light up inside? What is one thing you can do today to help someone else feel beautiful? (Hint: if you need an idea, start with a huge, genuine smile.)
When my husband sees me when I arrive and his face lights up I feel like the prettiest woman in the room. Even right now, all bald and splotchy…he still looks at me that way 🙂 reminds me what true beauty comes from 🙂
🙂 <3
This made me smile so hard! You (and your hubby!) win the Internet today:)
Another aspect of this “not enough” is summed up in this statement:
“If a woman has her PhD in physics, has mastered in quantum theory, plays flawless Chopin, was once a cheerleader, and is now married to a man who plays baseball, she will forever be ‘former cheerleader married to star athlete.'” – Maryanne Ellison Simmons wife of Milwaukee Brewer’s catcher Ted Simmons
As to a guy perspective on being good looking enough, I had a friend in university who, although Mormon himself, was so good looking he had females practically throwing their clothes to him on the street.
There was a popular song at the time, FAR FROM OVER from the movie and soundtrack of STAYING ALIVE, and the chorus of the song had a line: “Save me darlin’…”
My friend changed it to “Save me Darwin!”
I was his wing man, not so he could get girls, but to help him make sure he did not give in to temptation and go as far as the ladies wanted him to.
I was the proverbial fifth wheel.
The female reaction to him in comparison to the female reaction to me was a quite the jarring and glaring contrast.
Female devotion to him was instant. After a glance, the milder ones wanted to marry him and bear his children.
The less than mild ones wanted other things. Immediately.
I was SO aware of not being handsome enough.
So, I focused on the things you have in your list Charlotte. And that did help.
*laughs* My Mom has a picture or two of Elvis around the house, (and my friend was that kind of good looking.)
To my children, however, it was a BIG picture of Daddy, as far as they were concerned.
I have a casual acquaintance who has been after me to become a consultant for a certain make-up line. I’ve been resisting because I don’t think I’m pretty enough to be able to sell the product. Seriously, this woman has a gorgeous body, perfect make-up, hair and etc.. So your article has made me think. Why do I think I’m not pretty? All I see are the stubby eyelashes, chubbiness, acne scars, uh… anyway, you get the point. I’m sad now and disappointed even that I’ve allowed myself to get to that low point. I suppose I should consider or even ask her directly why on earth she thinks I would be a great one. (Besides the bonus factor, ha.) And… figure out what makes me feel beautiful. Maybe, there should be a site of some sort where their friends and family can go to and instead of donating money, donate REAL compliments about what makes he/she beautiful to them. You know, instead of after we’re dead.
Well having the privilege of knowing you in real life, I can tell you that your eyes are absolutely stunning. You could sell me any makeup with those babies! That’s not your only beauty but it is always the first thing I think of when I think of you! (Well, that and pie;)) I like your site idea too:)
This made m cry! Thank you!
I cannot believe how much this resonated with me – and yes, made me cry. How sad that so many women go through life thinking that we are a series of problems that need to be fixed. No more!!!!
This: “How sad that so many women go through life thinking that we are a series of problems that need to be fixed.” YES. We are not broken!
1. My lovely and loving 5 year old asked me the other day if she had a big tummy. Not sure if she meant this in a purely observational way OR if she meant “the other”. I replied she had a fantastic tummy. Sigh.
2. I feel beautiful when I forget myself, am lost in the moment, am in a state of flow…lots of ways to get there (though don’t make the time to do it enough)… laughing, practicing yoga with my eyes closed, cuddling with favorite humans or dogs, reading a superior book…
1. 5 year olds are precious! I think your answer was perfect.
2. Love your list!
This is so lovely. Your writing makes you beautiful too C. Being able to shine out your personality like a floodlight through the words you use is a truly magical thing.
Px
Oh thank you Penny! You totally made my day:)
Oh that pic of you and Jellybean at the bottom is perfection! I try to always make my students feel like they are doing SOMETHING right in an assignment or a performance, even if most of it is wrong. I find something positive to say to make them feel GOOD before I help them correct errors. I want them to feel wonderful and confident and beautiful when they’re in the process of learning so they are never afraid to keep learning and make mistakes.
Thank you Megan! And I love how you use your role as a teacher to build up your students on more than just an academic level! This is perfect: ” I want them to feel wonderful and confident and beautiful when they’re in the process of learning so they are never afraid to keep learning and make mistakes.” I wish every educator shared your perspective!
You two are so RADIANT in that photo! Love it.
I’m reading a book that I borrowed from the mother dear on face reading and traditional Chinese Medicine. The author talks a lot about different kinds of “peach luck” – have you heard of it? It’s really interesting; it’s all about the light in our eyes and our personal *sparkle* that makes us beautiful and appealing – not about our actual features, or weight, etc. It resonated so much with me and I think can be valuable in helping us to identify our beauty and get past all of the beauty conundrums and societal ideals we face on a daily basis.
Thank you Sagan! I’ve never heard of “peach luck” before but I’ll definitely check it out!
The saddest part, using your own metaphor, Charlotte, is that if you put a cup over a candle, the candle goes out for lack of oxygen.
I think you – and Jelly Bean – are both physically adorable/gorgeous, but I wouldn’t keep coming back to read your site if it was just that. You’re funny and warm and sharing, and I keep coming back because of the personality that shows through.
Thank you Sara:)
Amazing post Charlotte! I still have issues to this day about not being enough – never pretty enough to get what I really wanted to do. I have to find other things but it is always a struggle. I see a lot of posts by beautiful people about how “you can do anything & do what they do” but yet, it is not that way. Beauty does take you to certain places that others can’t get. I still get frustrated to this day – I know I need to let go & am trying.
I am betting you do wonders for Jelly Bean! 🙂
What a beautiful post. It made me cry, too.
First of all – YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Your writing, the way you think, the way you parent your kids, that picture, your smile.
I’ve given up on what makes me good enough to anyone else. Some days, my good enough is pajamas and bed head and no makeup. I like looking good in pictures, but really, I think what I do is beautiful. I care for the work life of about 30 people and try to make sure we have a good time and we’re successful so we can keep at it. I feel absolutely STUNNING (though I look like hell) after an epically fast or far run/bike/swim. When I decide to wear the super fun purple plaid golf pants.
I’m not perfect, sometimes I poke at my tummy, my chin, or my batwings and go UGHHH but life is so much more than obsessing over that.
I love this: ” I think what I do is beautiful.” And I also love purple plaid golf pants! Your employees are so blessed to have you in their lives (as am I!).
Love love love this post! I feel most beautiful when I’m caught up in the moment (laughing, running, just being with others) and forget about all my insecurities. Helps me see the beauty in others when I feel this way.
You made me cry, Charlotte. Just like yourself, I believe beauty comes from being lit inside, but I forgot it. Consuming myself with others’ expectations about myself made me forget about what makes me light up inside… So thank you for reminding me to focus on making that light shine brighter!
It’s so easy to forget, isn’t it? We’re all in this together – we just need to keep helping each other see the light when it starts to flicker;)
Such important questions, thanks for your post. My earliest memory of not being good enough, pretty enough comes from my mom’s story of me in kindergarten, looking in the mirror and telling her my arms were too long. I had monkey arms, I said. I don’t remember much else but just found an old diary from 7th/8th grade where I was constantly referring to needing to stop eating so much. Feeling like a blob, etc. It’s really awful because I’m hard on myself now and can’t believe these thoughts are still around after so long! I just watched that documentary Chasing Beauty on Netflix, and the whole industry makes me sad. All these beautiful girls and guys aspiring to be perfect, and starting at such a young age–some even being pushed by their parents. They need to deal with so much rejection, feeling they aren’t good enough, when we all know these looks seen in magazines are fabricated. Not attainable anyway. I agree with you: what makes me feel beautiful? A good night’s sleep. Waking happy. My son’s adorable laugh and hugs. Someone reading and resonating with my writing. A new outfit and a good workout help too….
I don’t think I’ve seen that docu! I’ll check it out this weekend – thanks for the rec! And I love this: ” A good night’s sleep. Waking happy. My son’s adorable laugh and hugs. Someone reading and resonating with my writing. A new outfit and a good workout help too….” Agreed!!
I needed this post and a reminder about what really and truly makes me feel beautiful. For me, feeling beautiful is really more dependent on what is going on inside me rather than the number of wrinkles on my face or my weight. I obsess over my external appearance but in thinking about it, the times I feel most beautiful are when I am feeling relaxed, confident, and happy and really have nothing to do with how things look on the outside.
As I read this post, it brought back a memory of me in sixth or seventh grade. It was Summer and my family was camping. I had my bikini on and as I was on my way to go swim, I noticed that my stomach “stuck out”. If I look back at pictures of me then, I was a skinny little thing, but boy did a flat stomach become important after that. This was a feature that was NOT pointed out to me by anyone by me. Believe me, my lack of boobage earned me PLENTY of recognition. Anyway…great post as always!
It’s sad how early we internalize these messages about what’s “good” and “bad” about our bodies. And… I hear you on the lack of boobage;)
I absolutely love this post.
And for once I’ll just shut the heck up and leave it at that.
The Not-Good-Enough beast is a powerful one. My best way of being good enough is to focus on my girl. If she sees her mom not being good enough, she will think she is the same. I can’t let her go through that if there is any way I can help her see otherwise. So, I have to be good enough. It is quite the never-ending battle.
It’s interesting how we can do for our daughters what we’ve spent a lifetime not being able to do for ourselves, isn’t it? I feel the same way. Every time I look at my kids, I’m overwhelmed with how precious and innocent they are and I’ll do everything to preserve that.
I feel the same way about my mom, sisters and my friends. My mom is 67 and I’m very similar to her in build (and we’re both overweight at the moment) but I don’t think she’s unattractive in any way. So why is is that I have often difficulty accepting the way I look? Í also don’t think my best friend or my sister is “ugly” because of some less-than-perfect feature – like old acne scars or something like that. I don’t even see those things when I’m with my friend.
Say Hello to Jelly Bean form a “computer person” in Finland 🙂
Yup sooo much sharing going on with this one today. 🙂
Such a wonderful post!
A few years ago, still living in L.A., I interviewed for a job that was listed as
Drama Teacher.” It turned out to be a recruiting job for a modeling “agency.” They wanted me to go to high schools (and sometimes middle schools!), pick out girls who looked a certain way, and encourage them to sign up for on-camera acting and modelling classes with the agency. So not only was it a scam, but they wanted me to go and cherrypick these young girls, deciding which of them were “worthy” of giving their money to these folks.
I didn’t take the job.
Partly because I, too, was one of the girls who was never pretty enough. I spent most of my life (and still struggle with) feeling nothing I did, or was, was good enough. It was part of a long generational cycle that, hopefully, I am breaking with my own kids. Well, I’d LIKE to take the credit, but mainly it’s them. Yes, they have autism, which makes them very different from many of their peers. But they’re also strong, stubborn, opinionated, smart, loving, curious, affectionate, beautiful, and unique. And they remind me every day that individuality is a beautiful thing. They love themselves, and they love me. And I am the luckiest woman in the world.
(I also find that doing the things I love, like being creative, gives me confidence, and that makes me feel beautiful, too.)
I’m shocked that someone would recruit you for that awful job! But I’ve seen people like that approaching girls at the state fair… sad. I’m so glad that you turned it down! This is so beautiful: ” And they remind me every day that individuality is a beautiful thing. They love themselves, and they love me. And I am the luckiest woman in the world.”
I can definitely understand this issue. I have been told in a hundred ways I was not good enough or pretty enough over the years. It used to eat at me a lot and I had many rage filled years over it and many insecurities. Now for me it is more like somebody jabbing me with a stick. It annoys me and hurts me at the moment and is then soon forgotten (unless its family those jabs sting for a while). I think what happened was that in my 30s I had a light bulb moment when I realized I wasn’t the person with the problem. The people sending me the message had a problem or a need and I was just in range of their scatter gun or they saw me as solution. Miracle of miracles, unlike the message that junk food is a bad idea this message actually sunk into my brain and now my go to position is to think who has the problem here, why is this really happening. Oh your trying to sell me something. Oh your trying to feel better about yourself. Oh you have a need to control people etc.
I hope many women do not suffer with this but have learned to be enough.
Three cheers for you! This is awesome. I was blessed to grow up happy and self-assured, because my father made sure I always valued myself as much as he adored me. Then… he died while I was in my early 20s, and… I’ve been most of those girls too. Enough is enough! No more cultivating the “not enough” myth!
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In my life I have felt most beautiful in 2 situations:
1) When falling in love
2) When feeling strong, i.e., by exercising regularly and eating healthy
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What is it exactly we are striving to be “pretty enough” for? Looks change, pretty can fade, then what is left? Beauty from within will last a lifetime.
First of all that post is beautiful.
A beautiful person finds that their beauty touches people’s hearts, that post touched people’s hearts and i think that makes you a beautiful person.
I wrote the anger version of this a couple of days ago on my blog (Beginning Anew). Sooo tired of me letting other people’s judgments of me count for more than my own, until my own view of me begins to reflect theirs. At 49 I drew a line in the sand and said no more.
You are ahead of the curve!
Great inshight!
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