Warning: May be triggering for those with sensitivity regarding eating issues, food or eating disorders. Actual numbers are not used nor are diet tips but you know what you need right now – please take gentle care of yourself today.
Here’s a dirty little secret about anorexia: You can’t do it forever. They won’t tell you that on the pro-Ana boards and there are even some celebs that make “functional anorexia” look like a viable life choice. But it isn’t. It doesn’t work. Some people, heartbreakingly, die of the disease. But what of the rest of us? The human body has a powerful life force and eventually it will rebel against starvation. For us champion dieters, food restricters, obsessive compulsives, perfectionists, we eventually have two choices:
1. Do our best to make our peace with our bodies and free ourselves from the tyranny of dieting and weight worries by learning healthy habits to replace the demons one by one.
2. Stop restricting but turn to other diet techniques and/or eating disorders.
Obviously choice #1 is optimal and what we aim for in recovery but I’ll be honest: I know very few anorexics who haven’t boomeranged into bulimia (whether purging by chemical, physical or exercise methods) and/or substance abuse (alcohol, diet pills, amphetamines, cocaine) as a means to try to regain control over their weight and bodies.
From the outside an eating disorder may look like the ultimate expression of self-control and willpower but I can tell you from personal experience and from years of hearing other people’s stories that it is about one thing and one thing only: pure, unadulterated fear. And I wouldn’t even say it’s a fear of getting fat. It’s that, yes, but really it’s a fear of being unloveable, of being imperfect, of having powerful needs and desires, of not measuring up, of failing. So many, many fears. An eating disorder is a terrifying roller coaster of highs filled with delusions and lows marked by denial. For awhile we have the illusion of control – food is so passive! So easy to push around! So obedient! – but eventually we realize that our entire lives are being controlled by something that’s not even sentient much less very nice.
So we give in and eat. And for a body so used to restriction this temporary lifting of the bans leads to a bottomless desire that we’re sure can’t be filled and will consume us instead. We eat and eat and eat. There is no balance – when everything is forbidden then that means it’s all equal, apple or apple pie. The body is trying to stay alive even while the mind is trying to kill it. But if we keep eating eventually we gain weight. Often this is a good and necessary thing for healing and recovery. But here’s another secret about eating disorders: They don’t always make you skinny. Moreover, you don’t have to be skinny to have one. Lots of anorexics don’t look “anorexic.”
In an ideal world, we’d all be able to immediately get right back in touch with our hunger cues and eat exactly enough to gain just the right amount of weight and live happily ever after. It didn’t work that way for me. I daresay it doesn’t work that way for a lot of people. Instead, after years of dieting and restricting and other unhealthy habits, suddenly we’re supposed to be the picture of health to be “recovered” and yet we have no clue how to do it. How would we know? I personally have been dieting in earnest since I was 10. Which means that some of us gain more weight than we are comfortable with.
I’ll wait while you laugh.
Actually we all gain more weight than we’re comfortable with. That’s ED treatment in a nutshell. But some people gain more weight than is deemed “necessary” or “healthy” which is such a fine line to walk. How do you talk about what is appropriate or healthy with someone who has no concept of either? And what happens when – if – you end up in a position where you legitimately need to lose a bit of weight? Dieting is just another trip down the rabbit hole. And you’ve worked so SO hard to recover! Plus, by this point, you may even think that dieting is anti-feminist or unsocial or simply unkind. Are you even allowed to think you need to lose weight?
I don’t know the right answer to that question but I do know a lot of us think it, as evidenced by a letter I got from Reader K recently:
I do realise you must get about a zillion of these questions per day, but I would really appreciate it if you found time to answer this.I am an almost 20-year old girl (gosh, I should probably start saying “woman” by now…) with some history of disordered eating and exercising. I was never diagnosed and wouldn’t say I was ever bulimic/anorexic, etc. but I certainly dropped too low in my weight and exercised too much for quite some time (from sometime around 12 years old to about 18, is my best guess).
I am XXXcm high and the lowest I ever was was about XXkg, which put me in the high end of underweight. What followed were major arguments with my parents about my not eating enough, my feeling exhausted and cranky 90% of the time and secondary amenorrhea. I did pull myself together though (most probably because I absolutely LOVE to eat – ah, the irony – but I guess that was the reason for my being a chubby kid and being made fun of in school, leading to the dramatic weight loss).
I was diagnosed with mild osteopenia [charlotte’s note: that’s bone loss, the precursor to osteoporosis], but otherwise my health is in good condition now. I am fully weight restored and apart from occasional low body image bouts, I am OK. (An aside, the funny thing is that I started liking my body more after I gained weight, how weird is that?)
But here’s my problem:
I am eating normally, trying to follow my hunger cues and eating what I like. I try not to count calories because that leads to restrictive behaviour for me. The thing is that I have only time for exercise 3 to 4 times per week, sometimes less, as I am extremely busy. After I got to my senses I started gaining weight… to XXkg. I am not comfortable at this weight – bot aesthetically and how it makes me feel.
And finally, here’s what I really want to ask – do you have any suggestions/advice as to what I should do, given I cannot increase my activity level, to lose weight the healthy way? It’s driving me nuts because I already eat extremely healthy, following my hunger, but seem to keep gaining!
Advise would be strongly appreciated
If I were any good at the metric system I’d swear I’d written this letter to myself, that’s how much I relate to what K is saying. As I’ve mentioned here before, after starting outpatient treatment for my eating disorder several years ago, I gained a certain amount of weight back and eventually it stabilized at a point which I maintained for two years. While I didn’t ever lose the latent wish to be ten pounds lighter, I did grow to accept and even love my body at that weight. I got comfortable with it and ditched my crazy clothes and bought ones that fit. Most importantly I did it while practicing Intuitive Eating (Geneen Roth style) and so I ate almost everything. My recovery wasn’t perfect but I felt good about it.
And then about a year ago for reasons I still can’t explain I gained a not insignificant amount of weight. I weigh more now than the day I gave birth to Jelly Bean. It changed my clothing size and suddenly I was right back to loathing my body. I felt like a total failure and not just because I had to go buy all new pants. Rather I felt like I was a failure at my ED recovery, at Intuitive Eating, at showing body acceptance – all of it. And so I know quite well how Reader K is feeling. So what’s a girl who’s still recovering from an eating disorder (because recovery is going to be a lifelong process for me, I think) to do when she thinks she might need to lose weight?
I have a few suggestions for K – and for me – but I hope you guys will help out too! This is such tricky territory for me.
1. Get professional help. I spent a long time in therapy. Not only did I complete my eating disorder therapy but I also did a lot of personal therapy. You mention that you never got help for recovering from your ED and it might be helpful, even now. One of the things ED therapy taught me was about proper nutrition. It sounds silly to someone who can spout the caloric content of any food from memory but I learned a lot about what a proper portion looks like, how to balance meals and – most importantly – what “normal” eating looks like. It helps.
2. At least see a nutritionist or dietician. And be honest about your history with disordered eating! He or she can not only help you devise a healthy plan but also serve as a person to be accountable to – not for the weight loss but for the healthy habits part.
3. Get an objective opinion, preferably from a doctor you trust, on whether or not losing weight is really in your best interest. Body dysmorphia is part and parcel with an eating disorder and we’re often not the best judge of what we look like.
4. Focus on what you can eat, not what you “can’t”. I recently cut out sugar for a while in an effort to help my mental state and it was a lot easier when I focused on how my body was feeling and all the yummy foods I enjoyed, rather than torturing myself thinking about all the forbidden treats. Whether or not you lose weight, mindful eating and staying positive will help in a lot of ways.
5. Eat some more protein. I hesitate to make any specific recommendations but I’ve found through personal experience that when I get overly hungry and munchy or crave junk food it’s often because I haven’t had enough “real” food earlier, usually protein and healthy fats. Note: I’m not saying that’s ALL you should eat. But rather that adding in a bit more high-quality grass-fed meat or eggs or coconut oil can help head off a cookie bender. (Also, from looking through your daily meals that you sent me, you do not seem to get much protein…)
6. Do things for yourself that you enjoy and make you feel happy and confident, no matter what you weigh. Being super busy is hard on the body in so many ways, weight being only one of them. I love hiking, skiing and skating – those things always make me feel better about myself. And I love realizing how my strong legs carried me up a mountain rather than focusing on how much they rub together. Reading, painting, piano playing, photography – anything that gets you out of yourself and using your body in a creative way!
7. Accept that life circumstances change and your weight does too. You’re at a really busy time in your life! But things won’t always be this way. Sometimes we weigh more, other times we weigh less. It doesn’t mean that we’ll keep on gaining weight forever and ever.
8. Meditate. It sounds silly I know but a few minutes a day of quiet contemplation/prayer/meditation can do wonders for bringing us back in touch with what we need to nourish ourselves on many levels.
9. Get enough sleep. Stress wreaks havoc with not only weight but also mental state and one of the single best things we can do for our health is to have a good bedtime routine of going to sleep before midnight and getting a solid 7-8 hours, every night.
This is such a touchy topic and I hesitated to broach this on here but eventually I decided I needed to because I know that Reader K and I are not the only two recovering ED’d people to be in this situation! I’d love it if you guys have any other suggestions, advice or even corrections!
P.S. I’m not a doctor and this is just my opinion and all that!
Charlotte Hilton Anderson…I applaud you. Your advice is balanced, caring, careful, tempered, cautious and…aware…in a way that ONLY a person who has “been there, done that” paid the price, and found their way out can be.
You not only shine the light of example but also point the way by precept.
I also applaud your Reader K for her awareness of where she is and where she wants to be and the wisdom to ask for help.
Aw thanks Darwin.
Fighting tears because I have to leave for work very soon! Ditto to Darwin’s note above! Thank you for this!!!
Much love sent to you and Reader K. I wish I had been that self-aware at almost 20….or almost 30….or almost 40. 🙂
((hugs)) Lynn! Thank you!
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Well done/written, Charlotte! As a recovering EDer, I need to have my ship put back on course and this is exactly what I needed right now! Thank you 🙂 Controlling what I eat and restricting my whole life made it difficult to know how to eat. The note about protein is something I just discovered was in my best interest, in the last week or so. Too much sugar makes me nauseated, and we did just come through the season of sugar!
As a side note, I started tracking my intake and exercise using the myfitnesspal app last summer. I was hesitant at first, as tracking in the past has made me regress….big time. However, with this app, I just put in what I eat and the minutes I exercise and it calculates. I don’t have to figure out calories or points or whatever. I found that when I would close out the day, that probably 4 out of 7 days each week I was actually eating less than 1200 calories, and the app actually calls me out on it. Once I started keeping the count back up above 1200/day, my weight slowly started sliding back down, without stressing over it. Who doesn’t like a slice of cheese before bed! Its actually been a big stress reliever.
Thanks Renee! It does seem like it’s a constant struggle to stay on top of it, doesn’t it? Some days are better than others… so glad that My Fitness Pal is helping you! It is a really handy little ap!
Thank you for sharing your insight on this.
LynM
Thanks Lyn!
I’m recovering from anorexia and I was actually using the my fitness pal app to count my calories while I was anorexic, is there any other way to make sure I eat enough?
I’m recovering from anorexia and I was actually using the my fitness pal app to count my calories while I was anorexic, so I was just wondering if there is any other way to make sure I eat enough?
I second your sentiment about recovering for life from disordered eating. Years after I have been deemed “recovered” and even after I’ve spent years eating (mostly) “normally”, the disordered thoughts on food, eating, and my body are still there. And while I haven’t really relapsed, I have teetered on that edge many times.
I think the hardest thing to learn in recovery was how to keep the oscillations in consumption to a minimum, how to avoid binges and periods of starvation. One of the things I try to live by is consistency. Keep your portions and diet fairly consistent day to day, once you’ve figured out what works for you. Also, never getting to a point of feeling so incredibly hungry that eating a bag of candy seems like a good idea – eat an apple and a few almonds in between meals so that when you do eat a meal you don’t overeat. I agree that protein helps with that.
This is hard because once I start to type any other rules I live by I realize that they could be construed as at least slightly disordered, if not more. And maybe they are.
THIS: “This is hard because once I start to type any other rules I live by I realize that they could be construed as at least slightly disordered, if not more. And maybe they are.” Yes! I ran into the same problem as I was writing this post. Every time I tried to get specific I was like…ummmm, nope. I feel you Rachael.
This post is an example of why I’m so glad that you blog and so glad that you’re you, Charlotte. You always seem to point out all the things I wish that more people understood about eating disorders.
Thank you! This means so much to me today:)
I have to agree that there is so much difference between a post written from a “been there” place–I’m not in the reader’s position, but it sounds so helpful and REAL. I suspect a lot of people who have recovered from ED spend a lot of time hiding it, and the fact that you are open about it and offer such thoughtful help–seems like a rare and valuable thing.
Thanks Crabby! I hope so. I genuinely hope that I help more than I hurt….
My ED was “acceptance” related. My thyroid quit and I gained significant amounts of weight. Then I literally stopped eating (extenuating circumstances) and lost some – got rave reviews, so made “never eat” a way of life. And got to a VERY unhealthy weight. Maintained it for several years. Finally got to a healthy weight. And then menopause. Sheesh. GAINED a significate amount of weight. I know how to fix THAT! Stop eating! But I’m older and (hopefully) wiser. I have learned to eat in a manner that is healthy for my husband and I and we are both at a healthy weight. But EVERY. SINGLE. weight loss ad is a siren’s call. I want to try every pill, every exercise program, every diet… It is something I have to watch carefully, while not letting it take over. Who knew food could be such an issue! Thanks for being a watch-dog and support for all suffering/dealing with food related issues. To some extent, I think nearly everyone is…
Yeah my thyroid quit on me too at one point. And this: “But EVERY. SINGLE. weight loss ad is a siren’s call. I want to try every pill, every exercise program, every diet… It is something I have to watch carefully, while not letting it take over.” is so true for me too!
I agree that if someone has never been in treatment and suffered from ED type behaviors over several years, there’s almost certainly a lot to be gained from therapy to support long term recovery. Weight restoration and “normal” eating can be maintained with the same kind of iron control that gets us into unhealthy behaviors in the first place. But that will always be a precarious kind of recovery. I really like your description of fear as the underlying cause, and that fear isn’t something you can will into submission,
This: “Weight restoration and “normal” eating can be maintained with the same kind of iron control that gets us into unhealthy behaviors in the first place. But that will always be a precarious kind of recovery.” is an excellent point! We can try to be “too perfect” in recovery too.
Honestly, having been there (and still being there to some extent), I think all your advice is right on the money Charlotte. Especially #7. I’ve recently gained a few pounds in the 7 months since my wedding (and probably need to buy some new jeans) and I’ve been coming to terms with it. I realized while I’m working out the same time amount per week my workouts are less killer. But I enjoy them a lot more. So it’s worth it. Weight is just not a constant. I wish it was but that’s just not how life works.
My biggest thing to add to K would be to give it time. Lots of time. 2 years is actually a really short time in ED-recovery-time. Although I’ve had food issues most my life I probably only had a diagnosable ED for 4 or 5 years. The last time was close to 6 years ago. Yes, I’ve had some minor relapses and some restricting periods in there but still, 6 years. I just finally noticed a few weeks ago, that hey, I basically have 0 urge to binge eat anymore. A year ago that definitely was not the case. Our bodies have very long memories and even when mentally I’ve felt a lot better my body still remembered all the starvation. Realizing this has made me never want to restrict again because while I know in the short-term that could make me feel better, long-run I don’t want to deal with the aftermath. Giving it time also lets you see where your body weight will stabilize. It’s not abnormal at all for people’s weight to swing up in recovery while things readjust. It definitely happened to me. So I want to tell K to hang in there! It does get better.
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective Abby! You have definitely been there in the trenches. And a huge congrats on your no longer having any desire to binge! This: “Our bodies have very long memories and even when mentally I’ve felt a lot better my body still remembered all the starvation. Realizing this has made me never want to restrict again because while I know in the short-term that could make me feel better, long-run I don’t want to deal with the aftermath. Giving it time also lets you see where your body weight will stabilize.” is brilliant. Well said.
Charlotte, I had to really give this a think before I chose to read, but I am so glad I did! Wonderful insights and very helpful hints. I was in K’s situation about a year ago. I was pretty happy in life but I did wonder how I could go about bringing my weight back to a more comfortable zone. I have done two summers in a row of partial hospitalization and weight restoration about 5 years ago. I went off of a medication that causes weight gain as a side effect in late September and immediately pounds kind of just fell off. Exactly *here*, at my decision to leave that med behind, is where I really needed to get professional assistance. I didn’t. The weight loss was very noticeable and acted like a drug for me. Every missed meal and snack was a “fix”. My life right now is a cautionary tale. Only my Dr, husband and recently added EDspecialist/therapist know the depth I am in with this right now. I can talk about it without getting upset from the safety of my keyboard.(after all:who can try to make me eat from the other end?) I guess what I’m trying to say ineptly is: LISTEN to the above post and comments if you (yes I am talking to you) are wrestling with this right now. My hair is falling out. I lose a pound a day and care for nothing. I have obliterated my hunger signals. It can not last forever. The reason no one really knows is that I *look* pretty normal – I don’t *look* like I have anorexia. But soon I will have no place to hide it. I do want health – so I go weekly for my weigh ins and EKG’s and try to hit a specific food goal daily. I read only what is uplifting to me and avoid tv,radio and magazines like the plague. All of them invite me to participate in their standard of beauty or be ugly. ( there is no grey area there) I am hoping someone will read this and it will remind them of how ugly it can get if precautions are not taken. Losing a little weight with an eating disordered past is playing with fire if you don’t have help. Thanks for tackling this subject Charlotte!
Thank you SO SO much for sharing your experience, Jen! I know it will help a lot of people. This, especially stuck out to me: “All of them invite me to participate in their standard of beauty or be ugly. ( there is no grey area there) I am hoping someone will read this and it will remind them of how ugly it can get if precautions are not taken. Losing a little weight with an eating disordered past is playing with fire if you don’t have help. ” So poignant. So well said.
#5. Interesting that I am reading this TODAY. As I’ve whined to you before I am very addicted to sugar. Today, as I was at work, the thought that came to me was, “Am I maybe needing more protein? Is THAT why I am craving sugar so much? Would I crave it less if i up my protein intake?”
Can you have body dysmorphia without having an ED or does it always go hand-in-hand?
Changing my negative thoughts about my body to positive is something that I am working on. Not the easiest thing, but worthwhile.
You said this is a touchy subject..maybe…but it sure is timely for me! Somehow, your posts resonate with me nearly 100% of the time. Maybe you write for me! I hope today is great for you!
Body dysmorphia can definitely exist on its own!! Love your tip about changing your thoughts to be more positive!
I don’t think I’ve ever had what could be called ED (some periods of my life, disordered eating, but I think it was more a product of being a busy college student or lazy early 20s desk jockey), but I definitely can attest to body dysmorphia, even with myself :). Case in point – the weight I’m at right now, a few years ago when I was on my way DOWN, I took pictures and bought new clothes and was so jazzed about it. Now, since I’ve been lower and have gained about 20 lbs, I look in the mirror sometimes and wonder how I felt the way I felt then because right now, I go between accepting to frustrated. Perspective?
Thank you for your lovely, thoughtful posts on this topic. Your balance and candor and honesty are rare.
Bless you!
Thank you Bethany! You are so sweet!
Wow. I’ve lived this post! When I was first anorexic, in my early teens, I overshot my recovery goal and slid into binge eating. That led me through yet another bout of excessive restriction and… etc. Recently my weight has been stable and healthy, but I want to lose a few lbs for athletic performance’s sake and I DO have the oversight and blessing of a nutritionist–something I think is key.
I guess what I would say is: I want to be a recovered person.
I choose to lose weight the way a NON-ED PERSON does.
That means that I calculate my food sensibly. That even if I’m in a deficit I don’t make emotional decisions like recklessly eat too little if it is a bad body image day.
It means I am honest. Honest about my motivations and my feelings, and of course honest with my RD.
In a way, ‘having an ED’ was a way to be exempt from the painful reality of needing to lose a few lbs like a normal person (and in an obesogenic society, even the most normal person may gain beyond their desired weight).
Well, so be it. I choose not to have an ED; I chose to lose enough weight to get faster and win races but not so much that I cause myself harm or impact my training negatively. I choose to continue to care about my health and about living a non-food-centric life.
And that is how I think people with a history of EDs can diet–by choosing not to fall into old habits out of fear, as you so poignantly note.
I love this whole comment Sam! But this especially stuck out to me: “In a way, ‘having an ED’ was a way to be exempt from the painful reality of needing to lose a few lbs like a normal person (and in an obesogenic society, even the most normal person may gain beyond their desired weight).” This escapism is an excellent point – I hadn’t thought of it that way before but I think you’re right!
So interesting….Love this post. A nutritionist and a trainer. Get the most bang for your buck with the time you do have to exercise. It could give you some more confidence… and confidence helps with everything!
Good call on the personal trainer! Thanks Meg!
I can relate to this young woman so much. Your advice is wonderful, Charlotte. The only things I would add are 1) perhaps patience is what you need. It can take a while to get comfortable with the bodies we have when we practice mindful eating. 2) It takes practice to learn to love the body you have now. My advice to myself whenever I start picking apart my body is to shift that energy to changing my self-perception rather than my body itself. 3) If you’re going to ask a doctor for weight-related advice, seek a doctor who practices Health At Every Size. A very high % of doctors are still in the dark ages when it comes to weight-related issues and adhere to backwards measurements of health like the BMI. It can be very triggering to talk to doctors about weight (in my experience). I let my doctors know that I practice a weight-neutral approach to health and focus on healthful behaviors rather than on measuring my health via the scale. For resources related to Health At Every Size, you can visit: http://www.haescommunity.org/
A few additional resources I would point you to:
– Health At Every Size by Dr. Linda Bacon (book)
– If Not Dieting, Then What? by Dr. Rick Kausman (book)
– What’s Wrong with Fat? by Dr. Abigail Saguy (book)
– Why Dieting Doesn’t Work (TED talk): http://www.ted.com/talks/sandra_aamodt_why_dieting_doesn_t_usually_work.html?utm_source=direct-on.ted.com&utm_campaign=&awesm=on.ted.com_DietsDontWork&utm_content=awesm-publisher&utm_medium=on.ted.com-static
Wishing you all the best, K & Charlotte!
Thank you so so much for both your advice and all the resource links Annabel! You make a great point about HAES and finding a doctor that has experience working with EDs and related issues. Every doc def does not get it, unfortunately…
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Can I ask for some advice? How is the best way to help someone who has an obvious problem with ED and exercise obsession? Does it have to be a personal realization, or can outside sources help her see the problem? There is a gal at my gym (age 30ish) who is always there, no matter what time I show up. She does endless cardio on the machines, and switches machines at approx 45 minute intervals. It seems she is trying to hide her length of gym time, because she always moves to a new machine all the way across the room, or around the corner. I notice her because I am stuck walking the track with the old gals (I’m recovering from surgery). Clearly, it’s not my place to say anything to her myself, but she is very ill and needs help. Her weight is certainly below 100lbs, and she is average height. Is there anything to do?
I just posted this on Facebook but wanted to share here again as a thank you.
I’m a little different as my ED was binge eating vs ana, but the principles are the same. I swung from BED to severe restriction to lose weight, and neither extreme helps. I’ve had to really step back and say, “okay, how can I like myself again” and oddly enough, the answer didn’t have anything to do with weight. This is quite unpopular among some physicians or people who look at me and see nothing more than being morbidly obese. You have to work at the peace though before really embarking on change driven by true motivation to be your best self – whatever that ends up being.
How do you safely lose weight after anorexia? You don’t. Much as I would like it to be otherwise, it’s as simple as that.
We know this is a brain illness, we know that the risk is largely genetic, and we know that the trigger is pulled by reduced calorie input. There is no way to reduce calories without risking triggering a relapse, and the health (and quality of life) consequences of a relapse and the ensueing recovery which you outline so graphically here vastly outweigh those of being even morbidly obese.
For someone to consciously choose to lose weight is to play Russian roulette with their recovery. The risk for the sake of a few pounds or fitting into an old pair of jeans simply isn’t worth it. Being fat won’t kill you. Anorexia might.
How did you get inside my head and pull my thoughts out?! I’m going through this exact thing right now and this is really helpful and supportive.
Wow. This is such a supportive and just overall fantastic post. I am recovering from bulimia and am currently at what is a very healthy weight, but at the upper end of what feels comfortable to me. This was a great post to remind me that I just need to continue with being mindful and not worry about my weight. Dieting is an extremely slippery slope for me, and I never want to slide down that disastrous slope again. Right now I am healthy and (for the most part) happy, and I have to keep reminding myself that this is SO much more important than being “X” pounds.
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Lovely post!
I think a turning point for me was focusing on what my body can DO instead of only what it looks like. My legs may be fatter than I’d like but they take me everywhere I need to go. My arms may have more bingo wing flab than I’m happy with but they comfort my children and cook meals for my family. My tummy may be scarred and no longer flat but that’s where my baby started life and how he had to come out to be safe. Our bodies are wonderful and beautiful because of what they can do not the space they take up!
I agree with this. And I also think that it is a great argument for participating in”fun” sports — playing basketball, dancing, hiking, whatever you enjoy lets you appreciate your strength, flexibility or endurance with performance and fun rather than appearance as a goal.
Charlotte Hilton Anderson
Your advice is balanced, caring, careful, tempered, cautious and…aware…in a way that ONLY a person who has “been there, done that” paid the price, and found their way out can be.
Keep us updated with your latest posts.
Curious.
The preceding comment by “best gym in bahrain” is almost verbatim (but a little less verbose) copy of the first comment on this amazing post….which was not made by “best gym in behrain”.
AND it is linked to a website… to lure said curious persons to a website…to be a customer?
Or find a virus?
Curious.
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This post is greatly written. Like a lot above, I face these issues and it is hard to lose weight without defaulting to previous bad habits. I do know I need to find that happy balance between body and mind. I am book marking this post for future reads when I need it!
This is certainly a heartfelt post and I appreciate the advice you’re trying to get across. However, as a recovered person from anorexia, I have a couple of issues with this post, particularly the first section.
Your language “dirty little secret” and “champion dieters, food restricters, obsessive compulsives, perfectionists,” speaks, in my view, from someone who is not mentally recovered from the illness. You are still spreading a view that anorexia involves some sort of achievement, higher control, a better-than-normal-ness. It is not at all helpful to spread that tone both for you, someone who may have internalized it, and for your audience, which can include those who have never had an eating disorder but are vulnerable to it, those who actively have one, and those who are recovered or recovering. I am recovered and thus am not triggered or feeling envy/attachment to the tone underlying the statements I highlighted, but I am concerned for those who are, including you. The most dangerous stereotype of those with anorexia of all, if you ask me, is that they are superior in some way.
Thank you so much for this comment Alphabeta! I agree with you whole-heartedly that those are dangerous stereotypes and should NOT be embraced by anyone struggling at all with eating issues. I used those phrases tongue-in-cheek and had hoped my light-hearted sarcasm came through but apparently it didn’t. I apologize – I in NO way meant to condone that way of thinking or self-identifying. Rather I was trying to show it was part and parcel of the harmful mindset that goes along with eating disorders. I’m so sorry it came across as exactly the opposite of the way I intended! Am going back through it now to think of a way to reword it so it conveys my feelings more clearly.
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Trying not to cry at my desk here – thank you for this. I’m getting married this year and 1. Can no longer fit into the wedding dress I bought, 2. Need to lose some weight for medical reasons, but, of course, I have a history of EDs. So, the thought of having to lose weight but not spiral was just so overwhelming to me. I have 30 weeks until the wedding, and I don’t want each and every one to be filled with panic.
I’ve had this sitting in my inbox for almost a week not and procrastinated reading it for fear of triggering and/or leaving me feeling exactly as I do… with no answers. Teetering on the need to continue any type of therapy or just leave it and go on with life. That’s neither here nor there. I really enjoy your blog, your insight and you similarities to my life and story. Thank you.
I decided a few months ago that I needed help – I’m a type II diabetic who can’t stop eating. I’m depressed. I have thoughts of harming myself. So I started doing some research and talk to some therapists. I couldn’t find a single one that felt they could deal with issues of compulsive overeating. When I told one that I had an eating disorder she said, “Not anorexia I hope. I don’t deal with anorexics.” What if I had been an anorexic? Good grief!
I never did go to a therapist. My general practitioner said, “Oh yeah, I have to send my ED patients almost an hour away from here to find help.” She didn’t have any suggestions either. Guess I just need to find a way to heal myself.
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Well Charlotte,
I happened upon this blog later than most but always looking for others who “fell down the rabbit hole” of anorexia and are trying to come back healthy.
You give good solid advice. However, some of us are still stuck in the cycle of how to lose weight carefully, without slipping too far down again. I believe the body memory kicks in and because of depletion of fat and muscle, our bodies crave and store any foods we attempt to work back into our safe zones. Since we began checking off the entire list of safety foods, this list is quite small, yet the weight goes back on.
Besides body memory, there is age, and other medical problems that prevent us from gaining weight in a “normal” manner as others do.
Losing it…is definitely a personal struggle and tailored to the individual. Seeking help is not always an option and they don’t have all the answers…its frustrating!
I believe its a struggle that never stops. Body dysmorphia means mirrors, scales and pictures cannot be trusted. I am in this struggle as others and what helps me is keep those negative voices quiet and stay strong in my goals. The very goals which helped me to turn from anorexia to becoming healthy.
You are so right in saying, “you don’t have to be skinny to be anorexic”. The mind is not as forgiving as the body.
To those who still struggle, its a lifelong problem but we have to stay strong and not give in.
I’m so glad that I’ve found you. I had orthorexia and anorexia nervosa at the age 15 to 18, and at the age of 20 I’m almost going to this path again.
It was tough. When I decided to start my recover I needed and wanted to eat a cookie. My body couldn’t digest the cookie. I felt so sick, I’ve never ever had a so bad stomach ache in my life, even now. 2 bites of a wonderful cookie and i needed to go to a hospital and rest for 2 days.
After reading the story of K and your opinion, I couldn’t agree more! You were very nurturing and caring.
Thank you.
I like what you wrote.i to hsve an eating problem.i always fill s fat still i am 4 feet7inchsand waigh85 90 pounds i am fat if you ask me i hat
e my self and my body
All I can say is thank you. I’m so glad I found this article. After maintaining a healthy weight post anorexia to suddenly gaining more than I thought would be possible I can honestly say I corks have written that myself. After becoming too unhappy with my weight I decided to want to lose some but it feels impossible to be just a normal dieter! It soon develops back to a full obsession! I’m glad I’m not alone x
This is just what I needed to find! In 2013 I suffered from Anorexia. My body weight plummeted fast but I also was weight restored after 8 months, which was quite fast. I was happy, healthy and fit in the beginning months of 2014; playing netball and I had just started umpiring. I tore my ACL so my passion was ripped from right under my feet. I was ‘healthy’ during the week, quite restricted but was eating enough, then I would binge on the weekends and love it; exercise was my coping mechanism. I had surgery in June last year, now 7 months post op, I am lazy and have gained 12kg. I am trying to be healthy again, trying to get fit again, but deep down I’m scared. I don’t want to go back down Ana’s path, even accidently (again). I started to get a healthy relationship with food during my recovery, well, in the last 4 months, but now I have a lot of pressure from my mum (she’s in the fitness industry) to be ‘healthy’ she always judges me when I go to snack or get more dinner, she may not realise this but she gives a look and I know it’s not in my mind because my friend see’s it as well. This has lead to a lot of eating in secret.. A LOT! I am trying, now that school has gone back (year 12 eeek!) I am hoping to get control again, like normal meals rather than boredom eating all day at home but I am always so tired that a. It makes me hungry and b. I can’t find the energy to do exercise. So yes, I might try a few of these tips to help, thankyou.
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Hiya, I received my anorexia diagnosis when I was 12 and struggled with it through to around 15 when I hit 5st at 5’4″ which put me at a dangerously low BMI and caused multiple health problems. In hospital I learned bulimic techniques and vascillated between the two conditions until finally making some progress towards recovery in my very early 20s.
I’m now 25 and after years of struggling to gain the weight I’d lost I’ve suddenly piled on 2st in about a year and cant seem to handle hunger pangs at all anymore – I try to keep it healthy and eat fruit, green veg, chicken etc to keep the calories down and the nutrients up, but I can’t stop eating and gaining weight despite my exercise regime and healthy diet.
Is this normal/common? Any advice?? I’m 10st now and I dont want to go back to how I was but I can’t stand being this big.
This was brilliantly written.My name is Also charlotte and I found this incredibly inspirational. I have just been discharged from hospital suffering from anorexia and your blog has already helped me so much
Hello Dear, are you really visiting this website daily,
if so afterward you will definitely get nice knowledge.
You said to see a nutritionist or dietitian…. that sounds really good except its not all that affordable. I could access the ED dietitian that i have seen in the past but fear prevents me. Any suggestions?
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So glad to see this article. Although I didn’t find the ‘tips’ or steps all that helpful FOR ME (I seem to be triggered by anything), I found the description of what goes on in that terrible cycle to be spot on. So far the only thing that’s helping me is to eat everything I want, if I can buy it/find it. Turns out I really don’t WANT everything after all, especially if bingeing on it makes me feel lousy afterwards. I also find the comments here SO comforting and I want to give everybody a hug. I’m so glad there are people who understand. My body (in the throes of menopause, no less) regulated itself down a little bit in weight when I was free and clear of all thoughts of dieting/measuring/banning for about 2 months. So yay. Then I went and ruined it by trying to eat ‘all healthy foods for xx days’. Oh boy. :-(. So here I am again, banning nothing again. I think it’ll work again. Doing exercise for fun and having it not be related in any way to looks is definitely key.
Thank you so much. I am now 40 and the ed still pops up when I’m feeling down. I was left with severe osteoporosis but beat the odds to create two fab children. Reaching 40, however, does alter the metabolism so a rethink of what I can and can’t eat if I want to maintain the healthy weight I have been since I was 24 (after too many years of being thin) is necessary. Reading this post was so reassuring as it is a massively undersestimated problem. Ex anorexics do sometimes need to diet again and the fear of falling into old habits is more terrifying than the fear of becoming fat. The idea of handing my eating over to a nutritionist is excellent as it should prevent me from focusing on my control.
Most of the people on this thread appear to be younger than me. I pray you can learn and maintain a love of health as I know the damage I did to myself causes constant pain from so many fractures and I really could have done more sooner.
Thank you all for such intelligent writing.
Wonderful Post! Thanks for sharing! This will help a lot